Dealing with it

It has been a while since I last wrote here and I felt the need this morning to put a few words down. This last week has been rather challenging and enlightening as I learn more about myself and the extremes that a rather stoic person like myself can go to in order to avoid pain, confusion and spaces that have no easy answers.

Went to Michael's last night after work and helped him with the landscaping. It has been on ongoing project this week that started with a chainsaw party on Tuesday night. Removing a few bushes from the front of his house turned into trimming all the trees and involved ladders, ropes, climbing gear and me scampering all over the roof as we found more things that needed to be done and he added to my to do list. I got off work yesterday, threw on some grungy clothes and ran over to see what else needed to be done.

We removed the natural stone retaining wall from the south side of the drive way and sloped the yard down to the concrete, then sodded the entire thing. Those stones were then transferred to the front of the house (all 147 of them) and we built a raised planter and flower bed across the east side the entire length of the house. Needless to say, we are both a bit tired and sore this morning. I convinced him to hire a friend of mine Brett to haul in the fill dirt and finish with the trees, disposal and final grading. This has been a huge project, but we have had a great time doing it. I know this winter will bring lots of projects and things to do inside his home but for now, I am enjoying working outside with my hands and spending time with him. Plus the view up the ladder is pretty damn good. :P

We got cleaned up and we went to dinner at Governor Stumpy's, one of our locally owned favorite restaurants. He had the ribs and I tore up some pork chops. We were seriously grubbing after working outside for about six hours. Then we ran over and picked up some movies to watch this weekend and decided to watch "Love and Other Drugs" last night.

Interesting choice that tore us up. A guy falls in love with a girl who is dying, who will not accept his love and so fears rejection. This was their story as they dealt with the impending pain of death, the humor they find in life and the love that grew out of it and the incredibly difficult decisions they eventually make.

Ironic, huh?

After the movie ended, we sat on the back porch on the swing, under the stars while the dogs played in the yard and had a simple and transparent talk about what is going on with us. We talked of our pasts, our hopes and what the future holds for us as men as well as friends. What are we doing here? What is on the table? How far are we willing to share, live, love and grow? He cannot and will not accept another rejection and heartbreak and cannot understand why I love him so. I am unable to explain it eloquently, but my world is a brighter place because he is in it. I asked him to just let me be right where I am and that I would never attempt to move into a place he cannot allow. This is unlike any relationship I have ever had in the past, even unlike the relationship we built when we were last together. This is two guys finding a place in the middle to exist. Not ignoring reality and dealing with how the details greatly impact our choices and actions.

I also told him that should we fall in love again, I will fight till my last breath for him. I am never leaving. I am never forsaking. I am here. I know I will get pushed away again. He will have to create space as this story unfolds but there will come a day and time where I will have to let him know, I won't leave. I won't respect your wishes to reject love. I do not think he is going to be very happy about that initially. I know he won't be. I know him.

The first time he asked me to walk away, I did so, because he asked me to. Doing this cost us almost a year together, not just as partners, but as friends. There will be a day when he pushes back at me and the only thing I will be able to do is wrap my arms around him and hold him. When that time comes, I hope I find the strength to be the man that he needs me to be. For now I am content to hold him in my arms, to feel his head on my chest, to see that smile that is sunshine to me and to walk by his side, whatever that looks like and for however long that may be. If this is all he can share then I will share it.

I do not know about tomorrow but I can do what I know to do and be who I know to be today. That is what love does. I will be right here, by his side, as he will let me. No labels. No regrets.

Just be.

daemon

The Sky Cake is a Lie!

The Anti-climactic and Quiet Death of my Faith

I awoke this morning with an "anti-epiphany" if you will allow me to use that word.

Over the last few weeks and months, I have found more concrete reasons to doubt this institution we call the church and faith. I have communicated this and opened dialogue with my Dad about it (retired explosive engineer and pastor)and have been candid and frank with my observations, questions and reservations about the Bible and the stories and traditions of men.

I grew up as a non-believer incredibly involved in the church as a pastor's kid for social reasons only. I never bought into the whole idea or Jesus that they were selling and was content to be left to myself for the most part. I could play the role they asked of me and was happy to know that that seemed to satisfy them. (the church and my family)

After the church kicked my boyfriend and I out when we turned 18, (fundamental evangelical Baptists)I never really looked back but certainly felt a poignant sense of loss and separation from those I trusted and cared for. I went to school and served in the Navy and never gave the idea of a God that much thought.

After a series of events that were rather traumatic and sudden, I found myself at a place in life where I realized or grasped the idea that God existed. I processed this with friends and community in church and viewed myself as a Christian, albeit somewhat unorthodox in my practice and beliefs.

Lately I have been struggling greatly with issues that concern life, death, love acceptance and family and the common thread and point of contention has been this faith and belief that I keep trying to weave into the tapestry that is my life. I am trying to see God in all of this but desperately becoming more frantic as life appears more random and chaotic.

This morning, after a long and hard weekend, I woke up and told myself, "This is enough. I am done."

I don't think I believe in God anymore, certainly not in the bizarre stories that have been told to me my entire life. I do not want to attend the building and play the social games that the Christians play with each other. I think everyone has their own personal spiritual journey and for a while a Christian faith served as a useful tool in helping me process emotions and events.

That time seems to have passed. It's usefulness, comfort and peace that faith once offered has now turned into a obstacle that unsettles me and continually brings strife and turmoil to all my relationships and internal personal life.

Mark Twain said that "Faith is believing what you know ain't so."

I am rather inclined to believe that with him and I now feel a rather settled peace in this head and heart space. It may eventually pass or be due to current events in my life but I am going to take a break from it all. I am not against those who believe in God. I want to stay here and process life with people that know more than I.

I am just not a Christian.

Has anyone ever went through this place in their life? If so...what did that look like for you?

daemon

Remembering the Fallen

This made me weep. Thank you Davey for being love. I see hope for us all in the way you live.

daemon

Wandering

An afternoon at home, a bit of a rarity for me, to be sure. Came home from work and simply sat. Sat outside under the wide sky and was there. It felt good and then my mind kicked in and reality came rushing back at me, like it always seems to do when it detects any hint of peace. But at least, for a few short moments, I practiced the art of being present.

Listening to music now, feet up and wondering if I should forgo the nap in favor of enjoying the rest of my day out and about. I have had a bit too much "out and about" the last few weeks to be sure, but always feel that wanderlust urge to keep moving. Such is the life of a nomad.

Kind of in a tough spot in life right now. I have pretty much come to the conclusion that God is an asshole. I could explain in great detail why I feel this to be correct but I will just let it stand for itself. I am learning that I truly believe very little. In fact, so little that I could sum it up like this: I believe in something but I have no idea what it is and I am okay with that for the moment.


This is another weekend for a funeral. My heart is heavy with that thought. I do not understand death and have never been able to process the fact that a person could be here on moment and then not here in their body any more the next moment. I cannot say I approve of that part of the plan of life, if there is one.

Tonight I have going to grab some wings, pizza and a movie and crash out with Michael and share time and space. I need some not thinking about stuff time and I love cuddling up and kind of drifting off to that place we create when we are together. We get to shut the world out a bit and orbit each other. I think that love could be found there, in that space.

Had a good talk with my Mom and have decided not to run away to Germany. I knew I had to download that idea with someone who could help me see the the outcome of that ill timed decision. (By the way...I was planning on going to Germany and maybe never coming back from Europe for a while. Kind of forgot to mention that to anyone. Sorry)

 It would have been the start of a grand tour of Europe but there are too many other things in life that I have committed to and need to accomplish before I wander off on my next adventure. This time, at least for a while, I will stay put. Too many people love me here to abandon this life I have built just because the road is steep and hard. My past has always been a pattern of putting to sea, of hitting the open road, of taking to the skies whenever things became too much for me to process. This time...I shall remain.

So here I am. Possibly in love. Falling out of faith, Still searching for answers. This is common to us all but my true test will be what it takes to stop me. And if and when I do stop...will I start once again?

Hurt

So Blogger has changed the interface and somehow this huge blank wall of white space to fill seems even more intimidating than in the past? I came home this morning and have simply sat with myself, distracted myself with music and the internet, chatted with some friends and tried to process my so called life and the blur it has become.

As one can tell, my writing here has become a bit sparse. It is not for a lack of things to say or events to process but more of a mental locking down in bewilderment at the rather odd array of choices that have crammed my space and time for these last few weeks.

I have been trying to examine my past and sift through some years of confusion and pain. I have attempted to write about some of them, with mixed results, while other things I carry deep and fast within my heart and brain. Some that I thought I would take with me to my grave have slipped out to friends at odd moments of clarity and disclosure. Simply letting them rise to the surface and be discussed with a few trusted friends has broken loose so many conflicting and dizzying emotions that my initial reaction has been to act out, to emote badly and try to lose the pain in drinking, hanging with friends and sleeping around. Not a healthy or auspicious start to the healing process, no?

I told my Mom the other day that I am fighting with God. It think that was a rather true statement and I am still fighting with Him. Actually right now, I am not speaking with Him because I do not know what to say and am kind of pissed off at Him and how freaking scarce He seems to make Himself. Why won't He just speak plainly about stuff and stop being so damn mysterious. Hell, he came to earth and then didn't start talking for 30 years and then when He did open up, it was all riddles and stories that seem to be all backwards and strange. He says that He is here but I can't see Him. He says He loves me but I can't feel Him. He says He is in control but life seems like a crazy set of circumstances and events that just happen.

Just got news that my Mom's little sister died suddenly today. My little sister called crying and upset at work to let me know. It was sudden and there was no warning. She is simply gone. I was close to her. We often would share time and words when life and schedule permitted and she understood me. Her last husband happened to be a gay guy, though she was rather blind to that and that divorce hurt her a lot. I spent a lot of time listening and simply being there for her. I think the last time I hung out with her was at my G-ma's funeral? I don't know if I feel anything at all about that at the moment. I process death oddly. I simply don't feel anything and then stop thinking about the person. Not sure if that is healthy but it is how I cope.

Got to meet with pastor Kyle this week and kind of download what is going on in my life, past and present. The issues that concern me and some of the changes I would like to see happen. Church and faith is very conflicting at the moment but remains something that is helping me right now even when I leave the service or group of friends more irritated and pissed than when I arrived. Each week I tell myself I am never going back but something there keeps pulling me into its orbit. I need something. I am missing some element or truth that has to be discovered. This life I am living must have more purpose than what I have discovered so far. I hope to find some answers and stop living in such a wastrel and self destructive way. I do not know how much more of it I can take.

 I do stupid crap. I am not sure why. I think maybe I am in pain and have been for many long years. Why is looking back such a hard thing to do? Confessing stuff to someone else seems to make it more real and then I feel exposed and fragile, like they have my rapidly beating heart in their hands and could crush me at any moment. Why is it so hard to trust? I worry that when I tell people who I really am, how I really feel, what has really happened to me and the choices I have made that they will not like me or love me anymore. What to do when the facade and carefully constructed house of cards not only starts to fall but also catches fire. I feel emotionally naked and exposed. I do not like this feeling.

What I do like is the way my friends have accepted and loved me. Nothing I have shared or said, even at my worst moments when life is ugly and hard, has caused them to turn away or belittle me, shame me or condemn. They just have been there and I so appreciate it. Life is confusing. I am not sure I like it at the moment. I will simply keep doing what I know to do and attempt to stop doing what I know to be non-life giving. That is easily said and much more harder to implement in reality. I had two days off and never slept at my house in my bed once.

 What am I running from?

What or who am I running to?

Who should I be?

 I have forgotten the me I am and or would like to be.

 I just feel lost.

 I have to get this pain out of my heart and head somehow.

What I am doing is not working well at all.

I do not know how much more I can possibly take.

daemon

DADT Fell today.

Really?

So, this might well be, the worst post I have ever made, but I am okay with that.

I am sitting here in my PJ pants, a pile of sliced cheeses on my left and bowl of chips on my right with a tall glass of iced Green Tea waiting and trying to make sense of my life in these past few weeks. There is a pizza waiting, of which, I shall eat far too much, and then collapse in a food coma until it is time to get up for work. I weigh this with the fact that due to stress and poor life habits, I have lost over 22 pounds on the last month or so.

It is kind of scary. The more I try to eat, the more I lose and the more I puke in the shower in the morning when I cough so hard I fall over and pass out for minutes at a time. I really hope this morning, that color I saw without my glasses on was not blood. I looked rather dark. Maybe it was the orange juice?

So life...is strange. All my familiar habits and rituals pretty much got shot to shit this past month due to work and the change of friends and patterns. I feel pretty much lost except for my work schedule. When I leave there, all bets are off.

I have been on 3 dates with my ex-boyfriend with one coming up tomorrow. I have slept with 2 almost strangers. I have been sexually harassed at work twice.
I have defriended all my church family on Facebook. I have bought more alcohol than I would care to admit. I have become the guy that over tips the service people. I have not seen those who love me. I don't return calls. I hang up on people that I know. I wake up to strange songs.

In short, I am falling apart.

Sure...my bills are paid. My life is in order. But underneath...I am all fucked up.
I don't have the answers. I am not that smart. I am horny all the time. I don't know who I love. God is confusing and His people keep making me feel weird.

I keep flirting with girls. I keep noticing guys. Life is all kind of one big miasma of noise and cacophony. However that is spelled. I keep going to church, cause I don't know what else to do and keep going out to clubs cause I don't know what else to do.

There has to be more than this. I have love all around me and can't accept it. There is sex to be had and it doesn't make me truly happy. I want to believe something but it seems shallow. My heart hurts but maybe I deserve it.

I can keep spending this life like found money but it will run out. Do I want to be here when that happens?

daemon

Woke up to this song...

I Can't Write

I can't write. I have tried to for several day and just sit here in front of my computer and nothing will come out of my head through my fingers.

It sucks.

Things are happening. Nothing is easy but life is certainly changing.

I hope to be able to get some thoughts down this week.

I really need to get some junk out of my head.

Cliffs: Been on a few dates again with Michael, my ex. James and I are no longer speaking for the time being. Choices I have made the last few weeks have not been the best but I am learning through them.

That is all.

In the woods

Craigery Morgan