Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Coming out and Lust...
Just woke up a few minutes ago and the mind is slowly coming awake. It always take me a bit to remember who I am and what is happening, especially after nine hours of hard, non-stop sleep. I laid there for a bit this morning as my body and brain booted up, taking physical and mental inventory of how I felt and have concluded, I feel great! To be back in good health feels fantastic, though I can certainly tell that I dropped quite a bit of body mass over the last month cause the pecs are feeling and looking pretty small in the mirror. Time to get back to working out on a schedule again in a few days, once I am off this antibiotic and codeine stuff. I have jumped back in too hard and too soon before and suffered for it. This picture is how I feel some mornings, watching myself from my bed, from my head, inside of me, observing me, always wondering...
Clothes are making a soothing sound tumbling in the dryer now and I really wish I had written down my schedule for work yesterday. I guess my best option is to head in at open of day and just take it from there. Work was frantically busy yesterday for a Monday and I ended up working lunch into dinner and then taking a short break and turning around and working till close. Made for a tiring, if not profitable day. Sunday night was a bit eventful due to the fact that during our closing duties and winding down time the friends that I have made at work decided it was time to play twenty questions with me. I guess the break in period is over and it was high time for them to start getting the goods on the new guy.
It all began innocent enough. They have certainly revealed more information about themselves than I have divulged in the last month so I knew, in some part, what frame of reference many of the questions were coming from. Sitting there rolling silverware it started with the question if I had any kids, to which I replied in the negative. It was quiet for a bit, then another asked me if I was married, to which I replied, no. I guess I am not really one to lay my cards on the table, but my mind was also wondering exactly how to handle all of this. It had become apparent that one of the girls at work liked me, but I really had not interacted much beyond the usual casual flirting. Finally, Martin broke in and asked, " Why is a guy like you not married or at least have some kids?" I didn't really say much so he followed up with the usual, " Well, of course you have a girlfriend, right?" No girlfriend... (btw...I really suck at writing dialogue, but you get the point) Then a little light clicked on for Cody and he paused and then asked, "Okay...so do you have a boyfriend?" To which I replied that I did not have a boyfriend...right now.
Cat successfully out of the bag! You could tell some conversations had been had between them, simply by the silly look on Dillon and Cody's faces.
So yeah, I came out at work the other night. It is always a debate in my mind how much of my life to share with those I work with, especially at a new job, but with the nature of the restaurant business and service industry (think: strange and crazy dysfunctional family) it was bound to be asked eventually. There really isn't much personal space for a tight knit group of people that work and play so hard together for so many hours in such a tight space, day after day. We had a cool conversation about their experiences working with gay guys and having gay friends and that was that. Talk veered around faith and religion, a bit, as they know I am a Christian, but all in all, a real simple conversation.
I am sure word gets around fast, but really haven't heard anything else since then, which is really the way it should be, I think? The new guy is gay, big deal? At least I have some space to dialogue about it, if it comes up and I am happy to know that in this day and age, the peers I work with do not find my sexual orientation any more important than what we want for lunch, or where we are going after work. I do not know of any other guys that are out at work, but I certainly have my own thoughts on a few of them. I work with a great team and am really enjoying the time spent with them, and many of them are certainly easy on the eyes.
Which brings me to the topic of lust. It is a biggie in my life right now. Our restaurant is located in a huge outdoor hunting and fishing destination and the days are full of a huge variety of men and guys who come into eat with each other and their families. I see the gay guys out with their families for the holidays, the straight military guys, the homophobes, the country guys, a huge cross section of people that come through our doors each day. Many times (read almost all the time) there is always a selection that catch my eyes and seem to hold them for different reasons. I don't really have a type per se, besides male, but I do fight with lust. it can hit me out of the blue, especially when I least expect it. Waited on a family yesterday with a gay son who I found just spectacularly beautiful. Rare blue eyes and blondish red hair, flawless skin, beautiful smile and amazing build. He was probably about 24 or so, maybe a bit older and we certainly had a lot of eye contact and smiles going on. I think his Dad was pretty amused by it all actually, as he kept finding reasons to talk to me, request some other odd thing and generally keep me near their table. I kept my flirting to a minimum and as always performed my job to the best of my ability.
How do you guys handle lust on a day to day basis? I am not talking about just seeing someone you think loks nice, or admire, but that raw instinctual urge that instantly turns sexual and emotional? It almost objectifies that person as a commodity to be had, of that makes sense. "I want him", is how it expresses itself in its most base nature in my mind. Being single is not easy for me, because I know I have the freedom and space to make the choices I want, though that would not always (and has not been) beneficial to me both spiritually and emotionally. I am not sure what to make of it all. It is rather easy at work to keep my actions in check, since I maintain a high degree of professionalism, but outside of work it is not so easy. I know I am supposed to exercise some self control over my thoughts, but it is certainly not easy. In my interactions with friends it is much simpler. I know them as people, who they are, what they consist of, and that generally removes them from the sexual arena in my mind. It is not always easy, but seeing them as brothers and family is a great way of keeping my mind out of their pants and off their body.
I dunno...I am just rambling now I suppose. Guess it is time for me to shower, get on the outside of some coffee and start my day, but I guess that was what was on my mind. Came out at work...always horny. Story of my life. Thoughts?