Friday, December 3, 2010

Different Timing

Life is strange at the moment. The carefree days of Summer and Fall are past and I have having to physically and mentally adapt to a new way of living. The commitment of two very different jobs has left my schedule at odds with each other at times, though no conflicts as of yet. The thing that is sorely missing is a dedicated time for sleep.

I have always been a bit of a night owl, so my over night job fits neatly into my life. I still feel like a little kid who is sneaking around to stay up into the wee hours of the morning. My day job, on the other hand, often requires me to get home at 6:30 am from working all night and then turn around and head into work at 9:30 am. I think my old job of 12 hour shifts is starting to look all the finer, in retrospect. At least then I had an uninterrupted time to lay down and sleep a bit of the weary off.

Such is life though. I am happy to be employed when so many are not and also having a blast being back in the restaurant. Whether I am cooking on the line, prepping for the days banquets and clients or simply waiting tables, the energy and fast pace of hospitality is like a drug to me. I can see that this choice in school and next career is going to be a rewarding but tiring one! :) Nothing like a little excitement to keep things going.

A friend asked me how I am doing right now, and my honest answer was...I do not know. I really have not had time to think about it. Some days and nights are three shifts in a row and the time that I do spend at home are hitting the shower, grabbing a quick nap and taking care of the necessities of eating and house work. I am not sure how I feel right now about life.

I have decided (hopefully) that now is a time to remain single and turn my eyes towards all the things in my life that could use some attention. Relationships with family and friends, seeking to be involved as possible in my community and church. Finding a space for myself and really processing through this year. What a strange and unplanned trip it has been.

Looking back over these last 11 months in the quiet times has been enlightening. I have a had time being present to people and situations, truly engaging in whatever is happening at the moment. I have discovered I am terribly self conscious and always carefully modulate my behavior, language, dress and actions in order to satisfy some perceived audience. I feel that much of my life has been a solo movie, starring an actor, doing the best imitation of myself. Striving to find an authentic voice and way of living is presenting more of a challenge than I originally anticipated. I am so disconnected and disassociated at times, that nothing seems to truly impact or imprint me. This, I think, has contributed to the perception of others, that my life is perfect and I am the most laid back guy on the planet. Nothing could be further from the truth.

I need to find my emotions. I seemed to have misplaced them at some point in my childhood. I tend to live in two spectrums; either happy or simply just confused. I think there are more things to explore than those two sides of a coin.

What this next month will bring, I am not sure. It seems now that I have determined to remain solitary for a while, the different guys I have been meeting and who have asked me out seem to hold an even greater mystery and allure, but maturity and foresight keep reminding me that there is no space for another right now. If I can keep my sexual appetite in check and focus on what is truly important, I think this next chapter is going to be much more simple. At least I hope so. I guess I will not be surprised if all this changes on a whim, but for right now, my mind is made up on the matter. I am content to just be a happy dork at the moment.

Sort of...



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