Monday, April 11, 2011
I had a day
Yesterday was odd.
I woke up at seven am and everything seemed par for the course. Typically on Sunday morning I will get up, brew some coffee, putter around the house getting ready for church and generally am in high spirits due to having the whole day off from work. I got up, did the coffee thing, cooked some breakfast...and never got out of the house until around 5 pm?
The day was beautiful. Seventy degrees and sunshine. The car was clean, the top was down, nothing was holding me back from enjoying this day but I could not seem to get my ass in gear? One little project led to another and it was past nine am. I figured, eh, I will get around and hit the coffee shop in a bit. Then it was past eleven am and I still was not down in the city for church. That endless delay and nervous energy hung around. I was not depressed but certainly felt anxious in a strange way that I could not seem to identify.
Now, Sundays can be a rough day for me. They never start out that way, but always tend to end up the same. The mornings are great. I usually enjoy church and hang with some friends for lunch but they are also a huge gaping whole in my schedule that tends to get randomly packed with things that are not so good. Not horrible, mind you, but I tend to wander off, follow my nose and end up in some kind of activity that is less than my best.
I think that is what I was worried about. That this Sunday would be just like all the others and that a day that always starts so well would end up with me partying with old friends, making stupid decisions and basically trashing the start of my week. I had no reason to believe that it would be any different. That has kind of been my pattern since this last summer. I was ready for a change.
The only way I really knew to make this a different day was to completely change all of my patterns. I didn't go into the coffee shop and church in the morning. I didn't go for lunch with my friends. I kept my phone turned off and avoided talking to people. I just spent the day with myself here at home.
Finally after waking up from a nap, I went to church in the evening and then stopped by the coffee shop to read a book and watch the sun go down over the city. As I walked up, I heard a direct 'hello' and turned to see a friend from the past sitting out front. It would take way too long to explain who this guy was, but to suffice it to say, he is a friend from my old crazy wilding days. I think the last time we hung out we had a insane night at the clubs that turned into a three way at the lake, in the water, under the full moon, next to my boat. Pretty much a blast from a place and time I had not thought about for several years.
He was hanging out as if years had never passed, looking fine as always with some cute guy with him who certainly captured my attention with his direct blue eyed stare, but then we always kind of had the same taste in guys. I won't get into some long drawn out description of him or his friend but I simply got my coffee, came out and sat down with them and had some conversation. I picked up the threads of communication easy enough and just kind of wandered memory lane with them, riffing on words, telling stories and jokes and generally enjoying myself. Was invited to a party and declined. Was asked if I wanted to get high and declined. Was invited to go club hopping and dancing and also declined. When did I become so responsible?
After a while, the differences in us now became rather evident. I am not saying I am any better or worse than my old friend and I cannot say I was not interested in getting his friend in the sack either. Guy was smoking hot. But the time that had past and the decisions that had been made to bring me to who I am now had changed me in certain ways that left me no longer on the same page.
Maybe that was what the delay was all about. The stalling of the hours to let me run into a former glimpse of the guy I used to be. To illustrate to me, that even in tough times and rough days, catching a glimpse of hope for the future is available by simply searching my past and contrasting the two.
It was good to see him. I enjoyed talking and meeting his new friend. I was saddened that nothing had changed for him at all. At this age, he was still seeking the next party, the next high, the next romp in the sack the next whatever it was I was running from and to back then as well.
Life moves us all. For a long and strange day, I went to bed strangely content with this life I have now. It is not what it could be...but it certainly is not what it was.
I had a day.
at 7:25 AM