Saturday, April 2, 2011
For the long term, at least the foreseeable future, things are taken care of due to his careful saving, frugal spending and odd look towards what has always been ahead since he was eight years old. He needs for nothing, save the next pair of shoes, the odd sports car whatever trips he may want to take or large tip for the breakfast waiter. This guy is living "a life", not THE life, but a good life.
What does the fuck does he do for his next trick?
This life, providing for oneself, planning ahead, saving for the rainy day, taking heed for tomorrow...all of this is done and continues to be a habit, at least for the next few decades. What now?
Sure, I am enrolled in school for the fall. The tuition and living expenses are accounted for. I am going back to college to become a chef, one of my passions. I have learned that science and business are not what I love to do. It will be an adventure, without the stress and worry about how to plan ahead or take care of this month's phone bill, mortgage payment, book fees, grocery bill, rent...whatever it is that most college students worry about.
And now what? I have a retirement plan and know what I would like to do when I discontinue working. It includes property for myself, a large boat and the time and space to travel the world. I want to see all the places I read about as a child. I will work and use the skills I have to provide for myself and ensure that my needs are met. I need to see and wander continents. To travel far beyond where I could imagine and meet the people and cultures that I have known exist.
I am still me. I have no person to share this with. I am a man adrift on a sea of possibility. I could spend each day and each dollar as if there was no tomorrow, and it means nothing. Should I live for myself? My faith seems to beg a difference in purpose. Isn't life supposed to have some more meaning or direction?
These next decades could be spent on pursuing more than I dreamed, but what am I left with? Journals and chips full of words and pictures? New friends and talents acquired on my journey? Objects and memories collected? Faces and places that keep going on until my end?
I have to be meant for more than this. More than the next degree and skill set. Much more than so many dollars, euros, francs and pounds sterling. It all burns in the end. Nothing says that more than buying ones burial plot, headstone and writing a will at my age. I do care who gets it all, just in case I have to be missing soon, though I certainly do not wish that!
To find love. To relax into contentment. To share this beautiful life with another guy. To be more than the sum of my parts. There has to be more than this. If we are keeping "score" in life...I win or at least have a good lead on my peers. And I do not care.
All is vanity.
There must be more than this.
at 2:01 AM