Friday, May 11, 2012


Work. It consumes my time. I feel like my life is rushing past me and each time I get a brief respite to concentrate on myself and the things that I love, my schedule and career beckon me back into oblivion. The weeks cycle of work, tasks, sleeping and eating is getting to me but I am plotting an end to this madness. While it certainly funds my life well, as each of my job choices have, it does not leave time for me to enjoy the people, family, friends and activities that I love. I am still trying to formulate the best strategy for rectifying this. Some boundaries are going to have to be created and space and time carved out for me.

My next appointment with Grant, my therapist, is this coming Monday. I still do not have my homework done. It is not something I have intentionally avoided but in the free time I have had, I have not felt like sitting down and journaling about the "wounds in my life" the arduous task of writing out "who I am" or taking that myriad of tests that he gave me. I will get this done before my visit but when, I am not sure. My time is spoken for until midnight on Sunday. Possibly when I get home this evening?

I slept well last night, but then I sleep well every night. I am rested, fed, coffeed and ready to start this day. It is Friday, but with my schedule, this is my Wednesday, so while others with more traditional schedules celebrate the coming weekend, I will be toiling away making sure they enjoy their leisure time and killing the beautiful day away inside a building. That is just all kinds of screwed up. I want to go outside and play!

In other news, I am adjusting once again to being single. I cannot say that I love it all the time, but there are moments and stretches where being solitary is its own reward. I note the time now and realize that I can't delve too much further into that thought but suffice it to say, there are benefits that I am realizing that help me adjust to life and space on my own. Having always been "with" most of my adult life, being "without" is still a rather new head space.

I miss my friends and guys from church. I was not able to attend our guys weekend camping and as I write this, my other group of friends are off in the wilderness camping as well, without me. Am I making the right choices here? I am not really sure but I have begun to resent the lien that this job has on my life. Each day I have to convince myself to not do something drastic, as I usually do, and keep toiling away until I know my best plan.

During the day, I usually think of amazing things to write about here and each time I find myself with a few moments to do so, they all evade me. Am I happy right now? What about the amazing adventures and people that I meet on the time off that I do have? How to capture the thoughts that just keep flitting away due to fatigue and business. Maybe it is time for a break. I really need to take a road trip and see my friend across the state. Too many questions, too few answers and don't even get me started on the whole gay marriage uproar that seems to be engulfing our country. I shall attempt to articulate about that at some later time, sans rant.

So there you have it. Another blase, desultory post about nothing much at all except I work too much. I am missing my life. I don't want to do my homework. Being single doesn't suck as much as I thought it would and I don't have time to write what I want. Whatever.

I'd rather be back on a bench in the park reading...maybe I will be and sooner than anyone thinks or imagines...



  1. You wrote, "Being single doesn't suck as much as I thought it would..." well, just give it time. If you are as much like me as it seems, you won't like it for long. M

  2. Max,

    I find myself single by choice at the moment and kind of exploring this space. I never really have lived here before, but my schedule and life at the moment does not leave much for sharing with another person. That is one of the difficulties that Brian and I ran into over the last few months. Space and time were colluding against us and nothing we attempted seem to solve this equation, so this is where I find myself. I must admit to being restless about it and not enjoying the sharing aspect of being half of a "we". *sigh*

    Time will tell but I also am not going to just grab the first guy that comes along with a smile and a wink either.


  3. D - I never doubted you wouldn't just grab a guy, no more than I would. I understand your reasons why and I hope Brian understands as well. In my case I think the feelings are magnified because I also feel very displaced, which obviously you don't. That and twenty years is a long time, well most of my adult life. So single is very new to me. Still, I wish for your happiness. M