Thursday, March 31, 2011
Simple thoughts on Boy vs. Man
I have had some really good conversations with friends and family lately that have posed more questions at times than answers, but in the looking and examining of it all, I have found some interesting conclusions. I guess the most simple way to state it all, without too much confusion and word posturing, is that I have been wondering about how I became the "Me" I am now. The person I am now versus the person that I was. How did this all come about? What do I like about the now version of me, and what do I miss about the older version of me from my past.
Now the basics are rather simple. I have been formed and shaped by the experiences I have had in the time spent at private school, at the different church's I grew up in, by my choices and circumstances in college, the years spent in the Navy, the travels around this country and the world, my friends and family, the relationships with the guys I have loved and been loved by, the book read, the music listened to...all of these things and countless more pieces of life have made me into the Daemon I am now. What is fantastic about it? What are the parts that I would like to see some change in? What parts of me do I still find as baffling as I did when I first discovered them?
This is not some exercise in self examination just to spend more time on my favorite subject, but rather trying to put together a coherent pattern of life events that have shaped me into the man I am now. How the boy Daemon became the man Daemon. Not so easy, huh?
I know I put too much emphasis on personal experience at times, writing my life story onto the sum of all those I meet, but how else and by what criteria am I to evaluate all the things that I find so puzzling? I have never been good with uncertainty and the unknown unless it was created by myself for the sole purpose of keeping me on my toes and getting me to explore more. In looking back at my past and taking it a part like a little Lego castle, I have learned a few things about myself that I guess I have always taken for granted.
Time spent with myself is enjoyed and cherished. I do not need a constant companion or group of people in order to amuse myself and make my days more meaningful. In fact, the older that I become, the less time in a pack or with another that is needed to maintain my happiness. Contentment can be found by myself in my car driving, listening to music, playing piano, working on my writing and art, sitting at the coffee shop, building something in the shop, working on my cars, spending time running or weight lifting, all types of solitary activities. I haven't always been that way. It has been a gradual process, but I find myself turning into myself more and now that down time spent away from the energy and input of others has become more necessary. Without the quality "me" time, I am unable to operate and function well when I am out and about with all my friends and family that call this city home.
My wide eyed wonder at the world is still with me. There are times in public when others have reacted to me as one would with a small child or one who is developmentally disabled. I guess I am still shocked and amazed by what a wonderful and amazing world this is. There is so much to do, things to see, interesting things to eat, people to look at and talk to, sounds to be heard, beautiful sights to see, books to read...all kinds of new things each and every day! And when morning comes, I get to do it all over again! There is a whole world out there and I am hoping to see the majority of it before this life is over. I don't think there is anything wrong with a boy man wandering around to see what he could see, just as long as he takes care of his responsibilities and cleans up after himself. One does not have to grow up in all the important spots if one does not want to.
I am more cautious of strangers and other people outside of my circle of trust. There once was a day when I accepted people at their word and did not understand that all was not as it seemed. Even when hurt and taken advantage by others, I still refused to accept that they were truly bad, merely misguided and not yet mature enough to realize the consequences of their actions towards me. I always gave the benefit of the doubt, even at great expense to myself financially and emotionally. Not so much anymore. I have finally caught on to the fact that there exists in this world great evil and person with the capacity to hurt me, not out of malicious intent, but simply due to the fact that it is the only way they know to survive. They just do not care. They are the saddest sort of creature in this world, but my pity and empathy for them no longer extends into a place where I will try to aid them and fix their ills. If they are not of blood or love, I cannot help. Experience here in this area has been a harsh school teacher but they have still been lessons well learned.
I am more stable in a relationship. Now that may seem like I am the master of the obvious, but in all areas, when I have a boyfriend or partner, my life finds an even keel with which to sail. I have a person to share with in deeper ways than just my friends or family. There is another who keeps my attention from straying all to often to myself and an outlet for my love, affection, concern and care. I am able to provide for and be provided for. It is with another that I am most happy. The highs and lows of life do not effect me as much and my smiles are broader, my laughs deeper and the nights more peaceful. I know one cannot force love at all and I cannot say I am shopping for another guy, but I sure do miss being a part of a couple. I guess there was just more there for me. Seems like kind of a contradiction of all the "me time" I want, but eh, what can I say? I never said I made any sense.
Hmm...not sure if any of those words are coherent, but at least I had fun writing them. I have spent too much time away from writing here and need to get back in the swing of expressing myself. Hope you all are well, where ever and whom ever you may be. Love one another.