Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Bottled up

Today was a bit trying. Okay, that might just be an understatement. In all reality...I feel that life is slowly eating me alive. Each day I get up, shower and carefully shave, stare deeply at those eyes in the mirror and silently ask them, "Who am I?" Putting on my clothes and shoes for work, I try to present a picture of who I wish that I am, but the truth that lies beneath the surface of my polished presentation is more of a jumbled mess of ideas, thoughts, opinion, experience, self doubt, questions, lack of answers and an ever inquisitive wondering about this experience that we call life. I feel that now I am barely treading water, no long fighting and swimming against the current, but holding on in hope of something. A savior? A rescue? The end of it all? I truly do not know.

I am not used to listening to my feelings. I distract myself from them if they are uncomfortable and retreat to familiar haunts and past times in order to make them subside or at least retreat for a while. I think I am upset. I am sad and bothered. Things have not been right with my world for a very long time, longer than I can remember. The high points of glory and joy come to me often but my memory is a fickle master and tends to edit and redact the events and emotions that I do not care for. Each day is an exercise in avoiding the pain, and if it is not avoidable, I medicate with all the many things in my life to sooth and help. I have become the Artful Dodger of my soul and self. Somewhere along the way, I started looking at my shadow stretched out ahead of me and convinced myself that it was me.

So many stories, altogether too many places, a vast string of faces. What have I become? Who am I now? I used to have simple answers to these questions. Time seems to be speeding up and I have yet to find all of myself. Each time I seem to grasp a piece of it, I start seeking another, and in that seeking lose the one that I had grasped. Empty hands, always empty heart. What am I looking for? Why am I always seeking and wandering?

It may be time to start thinking and examining some of the parts of my life that I never share. To take the moments and effort to look into those little black boxes that I have packed so neatly away in the deep, darker recesses of my mind. I am aware of what has happened. I know the choices that I have made. I firmly accept that many of them were made for me. Somehow, someway I need or want to reach back and tell that boy that everything is going to be alright, but I feel that would be a lie. Everything is NOT all right. Things are NOT getting better. If they were, where is my peace?

I don't let these thoughts out much. I cannot afford to. The picture and presentation that I have built of myself has become my insulation and emotional armor, but if I do not start sharing and talking, will I ever? I cannot imagine carrying all of these things in my heart to pass with me when I die, though I have sworn to do so. I cannot fathom that long green mile alone. What will become of me when I let others truly see me? I am so very scared most of the time. I never stay in one place long, as my childish nature and lack or maturity becomes all the more apparent the longer of a space that people have to observe and interact with me. I can only take people in small doses. I am rather solitary though others find me social.

I have to get this stuff out. It hurts too much, but somewhere along the way, I forgot how to answer the question, "Where does it hurt?" I think a better question may be, "Where does it not hurt?"

So I am fessing up. I am not well. I am not happy. I am not at peace. I am not okay. I cannot pull off this charade any longer. The mask no longer fits well. I do not like looking out into the dark from my hiding place. I am sick of tricking myself into smiling and ignoring the bad. I will not let my past continue to haunt me. I choose to not let others opinions about me chain me into silence. I have to break free. I will not let my inner self convince me to do so is selfish. It is time to talk.



  1. I tend to seek the inner person more than the outer person which has deeply impacted how I experience authentic Christianity. If we don't let at least someone into our deep inner world, then Christians are not really doing what Christ desires us to do. Whether you start blogging more about this part of your life or just find others to talk about it with, I pray that you experience that freedom of sharing your deeper thoughts and experiences in some way so that your past does not haunt you. Christ wants us to be free from any chains from our past. (I'm always an open ear.)

  2. Thanks, Max. Now...if I can only find my words.


  3. So many questions...

    When is the last time you were happy?

    You drink coffee each morning, but do you really enjoy it, or is it simply mechanical?

    Forget about whatever it is you've done in your past that was so egregious that people may abandon you for it, at least for the moment. Have you ever brought joy to anyone else's life?

    I'll start with those...