Monday, March 19, 2012
Friday and Saturday I worked long hours and I had this Sunday off. I went out for a few hours on Saint Patrick's Day and visited with a few friends and then crashed early. Got up on Sunday morning, went to my coffee shop and then church. Something strange happened at church which I still haven't processed. It seems as if all my emotions and feelings kind of rushed at me all at once and from the opening song till the very end of the service, I sat and cried. Not in the horrible, ugly way that guys have of grieving loudly and without control but a quiet stream of tears that would not stop. I searched my mind the entire time for the reason while listening to Tim talk and still came up with mostly a blank space in my head and heart. Something is hurting me, deep inside, and I still have yet to discover what it is. I wish somehow I could just bare my soul, even if to myself, but often that path of self discovery is a hard one.
Gareth, my mate from Australia and Tom, a close friend and mentor, both approached me after service having noticed my distress, but I was unable to speak to either of them, merely listen to their words and leave with a bit of my composure and bearing intact. I literally could not speak. I used my phone to text out to them that I had no words and returned to my car and escaped. I was embarrassed that my feelings had betrayed me in such a public setting but those who know me also realize my emotions are usually close to the surface when I am dealing with something. I wish I had an answer for this episode but all I was left with was an incredible feeling of being alone, even surrounded by so many good friends and guys I consider true family.
I could blame it all on the immense amount of coffee I had drank that morning, or possibly on the after effects of the stress of a new job, different schedule and coping with the loss of a budding relationship, but to be honest, I simply do not know at this moment. I will let it rest in my head and heart until I have more clarity about it. Something is welling up in me, trying to get my attention, and I need to start listening to myself all the more in order to discern what it may be.
Today is more work and I am a bit nervous, as I will be flying solo in the kitchen, working a station that I feel ill prepared to tackle by myself. The training has been extensive, to be sure, the massive amount of recipes, techniques and details even now seem to be escaping my mind. I know that I will do my best and that I have a great staff who will augment and support me today, but I still have a bad case of the nerves. I used to feel this way before a big game, or piano performance, really just about any kind of competition that I have been involved in growing up. My exterior never belies my panic and energy. I have learned to always appear calm, controlled and precise, but that doesn't mean that I am not doing a whirling dervish right behind my eyes and under the surface of my skin. I will be fine. I always am.
It is warm and cool outside this morning. I flipped the exterior lights off and stepped out into the morning for a few brief moments and listened to the silence. Even the birds this morning were hushed, almost as if they too sense the coming storm. Looks and smells like rain to my eyes and nose.
I have to start getting ready for work now. The day awaits me, but I feel a bit better after getting some words and thoughts out on paper. I have forgotten how therapeutic writing here could be. I will return at some point to share my thoughts, beliefs, ideas and opinions about porn and its use later. I do think it is good to talk about the elephants in the room. Porn and jacking off are two of those that kind of lurk beneath the surface of every guys life and most are either reluctant to discuss it with others for fear of being judged or all too willing to spout off about what they like and do. I hope to strike a happy medium between the two and bring to bear some serious thoughts and questions I have about the issue. Sexuality and how we live that out certainly is a strong force in a guys life. Tell me about it! I feel like I have spent most of my life since puberty following my swinging dick around, searching and looking for my next adventure, but that is also another story for another day.
Have a good day, strangers and friends. I have to put the trash out, hop in the shower and scarf down some breakfast before my whirlwind of a day begins. Thanks for listening to my ramblings and I hope to be back here soon with good things to say and share. Ciao!