Wednesday, April 4, 2012
I am the Master of Denial.*
I know that that may sound like a bold statement but let me give you a simple example. Some other humans, due to their beliefs, conscience or internal morality say that activity/choice ______ is morally incorrect. This statement of theirs resonates within me as truth and I am inclined to believe them, not out of their position in my life or some group think ideal, but rather the fact that yes, I actually agree with their statement that activity/choice _______ is not a correct and moral thing for me to engage in for all manner of various and detailed reasons.
Problem. I love activity/choice _______. It brings me pleasure. It is instant gratification and long term enjoyment. It ensures that I can do exactly as I please. It makes me happy. The risk and rewards seem to either balance each other or at least be skewed heavily in my favor. (also a form of denial as I carry out this line of reasoning to a fault even if the risk and rewards are greatly against me to the point of being self destructive or harmful to others, emotionally, physically and spiritually)
Solution. Complete denial. I simply wipe the slate clean. I announce to myself, and sometimes to them and others, that they are wrong. I do not believe them. I do not believe what I feel inside myself. I do not believe any of it. Choice/activity ______ holds no moral, ethical, social, spiritual, emotional or physical load. It is simply inert. Since I want to make that choice or be involved in that activity, I choose to make no judgement about it at all. I will delay all examination of such activity/choice till a later date. (read never)
And then I go and do as I please. I live by a simple code. Do what I want, with what I have, where I am. It seems to have worked so far famously.
I live my life exactly as I see fit, each and every day, doing whatever I want, however I want with no thought or concern about what it is doing to myself, my family, my friends, my peers, the community...no one. I am completely free.
One small problem. The combined weight of all this denial is crushing me. I am running out of time and places to stack all these things I have to consider some day. Denial has suddenly caught up with the present and my past, future and present are all smashing together into singular moments in time and my only course of comfort is to live with increasingly more reckless abandon. I used to do this quietly, even internally, (denial) but the volume keeps getting turned up louder in my head, heart and reality the more increasingly desperate I get. I have used this tool my entire life. It works with amazing precision and power. The word "No" is an incredible tool. I have said "No" to them and "Yes" to myself with fantastic results. (fantastic doesn't always mean good)
I know this is selfish. I know this is self destructive and for me, right now, in this brief moment, I know it is wrong for me. It is not healthy. It has to stop.
*Or, possibly, Denial is MY Master? This thought occurred to me in the shower a few minutes ago. My friend told me yesterday that that I "have no guile" and he found that refreshing. He was commenting on the fact that not only do I live my life as I see fit, I have no qualms about sharing the facts of my past and present as well as future plans with the people that I love and trust. Does this mean I have no conscience, whatsoever? Or, does the very fact that this bother me illustrate the fact that I do have some type of internal conscience? I really have no idea at the moment and I have to head out the door. My grandfather clock just chimed and I must dash. I hope to come back later today and explore this a bit. What are YOUR thoughts on this? drh