Wednesday, April 4, 2012


Damn it all! Inspiration always strikes most hotly when time is of the essence and duty and obligation force us to choose between what is best and what is convenient. I am choosing to express, albeit briefly something that has occurred to me this moment. While it is not some lightening epiphany as I have had in times past, the clarity with which I am able to see it in my mind gives rise to the urgent need to capture it at least in part, before the rising light of activity and day make it fade away all the sooner.

I am the Master of Denial.*

I know that that may sound like a bold statement but let me give you a simple example. Some other humans, due to their beliefs, conscience or internal morality say that activity/choice ______ is morally incorrect. This statement of theirs resonates within me as truth and I am inclined to believe them, not out of their position in my life or some group think ideal, but rather the fact that yes, I actually agree with their statement that activity/choice _______ is not a correct and moral thing for me to engage in for all manner of various and detailed reasons.

Problem. I love activity/choice _______. It brings me pleasure. It is instant gratification and long term enjoyment. It ensures that I can do exactly as I please. It makes me happy. The risk and rewards seem to either balance each other or at least be skewed heavily in my favor. (also a form of denial as I carry out this line of reasoning to a fault even if the risk and rewards are greatly against me to the point of being self destructive or harmful to others, emotionally, physically and spiritually)

Solution. Complete denial. I simply wipe the slate clean. I announce to myself, and sometimes to them and others, that they are wrong. I do not believe them. I do not believe what I feel inside myself. I do not believe any of it. Choice/activity ______ holds no moral, ethical, social, spiritual, emotional or physical load. It is simply inert. Since I want to make that choice or be involved in that activity, I choose to make no judgement about it at all. I will delay all examination of such activity/choice till a later date. (read never)

And then I go and do as I please. I live by a simple code. Do what I want, with what I have, where I am. It seems to have worked so far famously.

I live my life exactly as I see fit, each and every day, doing whatever I want, however I want with no thought or concern about what it is doing to myself, my family, my friends, my peers, the one. I am completely free.

One small problem. The combined weight of all this denial is crushing me. I am running out of time and places to stack all these things I have to consider some day. Denial has suddenly caught up with the present and my past, future and present are all smashing together into singular moments in time and my only course of comfort is to live with increasingly more reckless abandon. I used to do this quietly, even internally, (denial) but the volume keeps getting turned up louder in my head, heart and reality the more increasingly desperate I get. I have used this tool my entire life. It works with amazing precision and power. The word "No" is an incredible tool. I have said "No" to them and "Yes" to myself with fantastic results. (fantastic doesn't always mean good)

I know this is selfish. I know this is self destructive and for me, right now, in this brief moment, I know it is wrong for me. It is not healthy. It has to stop.


*Or, possibly, Denial is MY Master? This thought occurred to me in the shower a few minutes ago. My friend told me yesterday that that I "have no guile" and he found that refreshing. He was commenting on the fact that not only do I live my life as I see fit, I have no qualms about sharing the facts of my past and present as well as future plans with the people that I love and trust. Does this mean I have no conscience, whatsoever? Or, does the very fact that this bother me illustrate the fact that I do have some type of internal conscience? I really have no idea at the moment and I have to head out the door. My grandfather clock just chimed and I must dash. I hope to come back later today and explore this a bit. What are YOUR thoughts on this? drh


  1. I think everybody faces this.

    We say one thing and do another.
    What is good for everyone else... except me.
    Preach to everyone else, but pardon self.
    Do as I say not as I do.
    Physician heal thy self.

    There are many ways to say this – but we all do it.

  2. Daemon . . . I'm no stranger to denial and its destructiveness. No matter which choice you make, you have to know you really did make it. It's the back-and-forth that is so draining because it keeps you mentally imbalanced . . . even if you deny it.

    I do know that I have endured times in my life when it seemed I had no conscience . . . no guilt or concern other than self-satisfaction, which often presented itself as self-realization, but was still . . . self.

    Tough spot to be in. Perhaps if you were not so intelligent and introspective, you could just brush it off.

    God Bless,


  3. It's not denial. You wouldn't be firmly aware of what you're doing if it was.

    It's selfishness. And it only matters because of the harm you're doing to others.

  4. Hm...good point, Phineas. I will have to reconsider this all yet again. Great!

    I certainly do help others but possibly only to off set my selfishness? I do not really believe that though. I do love and care for the people in my life and often go to great lengths to provide for them and show that with my words and actions. Though, when left to a choice between myself and them, I often choose myself and my wants and needs.

    I do not know at the moment what to think.


    1. From your collective posts, it would be hard to label you a selfish individual. In this context, selfish is the correct term only because of the negative connotation. It should not be confused with the selfish desire to eat, or be warm, etc.

      Nor is your example of choosing between yourself and others an example of selfishness in a necessarily negative context.

      But there's obviously a component of harm involved with choice/activity ________, either to others directly, or indirectly because of some harm you're causing yourself. At a minimum it appears to be causing you a great deal of emotional turmoil. It's therefore likely that the persons to whom you've confided regarding choice/activity ________ are similarly affected.

      Any addict will tell you it's not easy to quit that which instantly gratified you. But even they acknowledge long-term costs. It seems you're evaluating those costs now.

  5. I'm going to push back and say it IS a form of denial. When I've asked before what the impact of your decisions is, you tend to take a REALLY long time to ever admit any negative impact.

    I think it's good you're asking these questions. Really good.

  6. Note: Activity/Choice _____ is ANYTHING that I want to do. Not anyone one specific thing. It applies to all of my actions and choices.