Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Word spew

I woke up this morning early. Way before my alarm, in fact. Random thoughts in my head about a new coffee shop that I would like to go back to. Memories of a friend who introduced me to it and the conversations we have shared. Laid there for a bit, which is highly unusual, as I typically hit the floor as soon as I am awake. Had the normal morning hornies, so took care of that. Got out of bed and puttered around for a bit. Drank some tea for a change. I can kill an entire pitcher of iced tea in a day if I let myself do so. Walked around a bit outside in the cool dark and enjoyed looking at all my plants that are thriving so well this Spring. I need to go pick up an Apple Fritter from the neighborhood bakery and take it to Bernice. She is my adopted gramma who is now 98 years old this year. I haven't been over to see her for a week or so and need to catch up on how she is doing and share some time. I love her so much.

Things (and by things, I mean my life) has been increasingly odd these past few months. Career is going well. I am keeping up with all the typical things that need done each day, but my free time spent and mental/emotional state has left a lot to be desired. That could explain my lack of motivation for sharing. I tend to keep the bad news and less than flattering decisions I make to myself. A couple thoughts have hit my brain this morning. What do I need? What am I looking for? What am I scared of?

In the last week I have spent two nights away from my home. One evening and day at Michael's house and the other at my friend Bruce's home. Both were full of contemplation and conversation from two very different perspectives on myself, but full of good truth and advice, which I solicited for a change. The end result is the fact that I will be seeing a professional this next Monday for the first time in my entire life, to discuss all these things in my head and heart that I have been carrying for oh, so very long.

I didn't even want to admit that. Not even here on my blog, where I have spilled my guts countless times. I hate not being that Rock that everyone turns to. I have an amazing life, but it is far from perfect and the ways that I have been coping with circumstances, events and pain have ceased to work. In short, internally and externally I have become more dysfunctional and I am finally at the place where I realize (though do NOT like) that I need some help sorting out this tangled knot in my soul.

Today is a day off for me, which I always enjoy but also feels me with some dread. I tend to wander around my city and get into trouble, make poor decisions and then regret no longer being the person who used to find such amazing joy in all of life's simple pleasures. I take increasingly larger risks, chase adrenaline and tend to err on the side of walking the edge of the cliff. I am reacting in life instead of choosing to act and its effects are becoming more apparent to my friends and family, even with all my careful walls that I have erected with my space created and time. The more minutes I spend with people, the more of me that they see, so as a consequence, I tend to take them in increasingly smaller doses in order to protect myself and them from what I perceive to be truth.

Rambling. I realize this, but it does feel good to get some words down. I am unsure what I am going to do today, but I need something. I need someone. I am searching for something. I wish I know what that was. I ran into my ex in a parking lot the other night and that strange animalistic, chemical attraction is still there for the both of us, as we instantly flung ourselves at each other and started making out without even a courteous greeting. Why do we still effect each other so? Now I fear we are even more confused about the healthy choices we are trying to make. We exist as a catalyst for each other that lets ourselves lose each other in the other one. We parted ways and have barely spoken since. That is how we met and that is how we still feel. Maybe we should never have dated and merely been buddies? I do not know.

Summer is right around the corner. The car is clean. The top is down. I am going to finish this iced tea, stop writing, go cut my hair, shower up and get out into the world. I wonder what I will find today? I wonder who will find me? I want to finish this book I have been poking at for a few days. I know I will end up at my coffee shop. Prolly go play in the park, fly my kite, go for a run and then...?

I wish I was doing better. Hopefully soon, I will be.



  1. I'll read this post more thoroughly after I get done with both jobs today. BUT that means that you have to read mine more thoroughly!

    Have a great day off and don't let your undies get too tight with worries. While these things are no fun to go through at the time, what is happening will ultimately be for the good. You will enjoy your sessions more & more because you will learn so much. Plus, today when I am not torturing students, I shall be praying for you. :)

  2. Sometimes when I read your posts I think you are a slightly altered clone. I am sure we are very different but I can relate to most of what you write. That either makes me feel good that I am not alone in my thoughts or that I have a partner in crime (grin). I think I will follow your lead today and also head to a coffee / book shop. M