No alarm clock...

Last night I went to bed (actually 2 am this morning) and did not set my alarm clock. As I laid down, I thought about all there was to do today, church in the morning, lunch with a friend, then work and after a Christmas party with friends, and wondered if I should set it. I hate nothing more than some machine telling me I should be awake when I am asleep and in sleepy town dream land. (Well that's a lie, there are many other things I hate but that is one of them.) So...I did not set it, thinking that my body would wake me up when I should start my day.

And it did.


(I bet you thought this was going to be one of those "Oh, Crap...I'm late posts! Nope!)

Woke up with a smile on my face and well rested to start another day. I slept with my arms crossed tight on my chest and discovered these interesting hand prints on my chest in the shower. Weird, huh? At least they are starting to fade as I drink my coffee and do my push ups. But for some reason the toes on my left foot are really sore, like they got stepped on, but I did not go dancing last night, so it must be some odd ache from bouncing around on my feet. (I do that alot. Too much coffee or energy I suppose)

Today is going to be great! Just finished packaging my dessert for the part (White Chocolate Chips, Cranberry and Macadamia Nut Squares) and am waking my body up with the morning ritual of calisthenics and treadmill. I hate running indoors, but I'll take it over the weather outside. I still think my Nordic Track was invented by the descendants of those great guys who pulled the Spanish Inquisition on us, but it also makes a great towel rack and clothes valet, so maybe there's something to it.


I am excited that Christopher is coming to church with me this morning. I have been sharing life and time with him ever since we met and I can tell he is looking for truth. The job he has right now is eating him alive, but he finds it hard to say no to it and walk away. God is going to have to handle that one, as I refuse to interfere in someones life without clear direction. We just laid around and talked this morning for a bit real early. Amazing...

The only thing that concerns me at times, is an attraction that seems to be present on both our parts, and I do not want to move in any fashion that takes him away from the truth and faith he seeks. I will not date to save, if that makes sense? I desire to be the true friend he needs, not the one he (and I) think that he wants. It would be alot easier if he wasn't so smoking hot! I know the best thing to do, is always include him in my group stuff and keep our time alone careful and intentional. We have talked at length at where the boundaries in our friendship are, which is alot better than leaving it to chance. I am a weak guy, and prone to falling, and that would hinder and damage the ministry I could be to him. Remember that, Daemon. Don't come back here later with a bad story and a bag of excuses...mkay?

Got some new clothes to wear, so that makes me happy and also just pulled a favorite pair of jeans out of the dryer. Why is it, that jeans, straight from the laundry fit so well, and feel so good? It is going to be a whirlwind of a day! I've got miles to go before I sleep...

In reference to my last post...I am adjusting and learning to understand myself and others. I think that people in my life mean well, but they are struggling at times to express themselves, just as much as I am floundering trying to understand them. I refuse to read evil intent into their words and actions. If that is their motive, so be it. I will not sink to their level. Rise above, sailor man. Behold...the power of the wind.

Misunderstood

Something I have noticed more of late, and that has been illustrated to me today, is that the more I question myself and attempt change, the more the people around me do not understand me. It seems if I am bucking their accepted version of my past life, with my continuing differences that are occurring, as I make greater steps in my spiritual journey.

They are not happy with the fact that my status is in a state of flux or transition. Some of them miss the "old" Daemon and others are just growing weary with a struggle in the "new" Daemon that they see no merit in. Am I wasting my time? Wasting it on people who don't get it? Wasting it on myself about issues that really don't matter in eternity?

B.C.

Before Christ in my life, things were simple, life was good. All the lines and labels were crisply drawn and delineated and there was no conflict or struggle over how to live. I had accepted myself and the future I had planned and was living my "dream". My friends and family interacted with me based on my presentation of life, and yes meant yes, and no meant no. There was no gray area about what I believed, or did not believe. No conflict in my mind and life about who I was, what I was doing and the choices I made.

A.C.

After Christ...things are just jacked, well, if not jacked, at least much more complicated. (Yes, I am not addressing His salvation and the other benefits as a child of God, while eternal and enormous, but am looking at the here and now reality without alot of fancy church speak.) I do not understand what is going on. My family and friends do not understand what is going on. I have labels... I don't have labels? What am I? Where do all these rules and doctrines come from? (You keep saying the Bible, but I have read it and still am not seeing your words) Who changed the game? Now I am stuck between the friends I have left behind, who are at loss for words about the choices I am making, and the new friends I have made, who expect me to be like them, believe and live like them with no practice or room for error. Hell, you all even speak your own weird language at times, with your terms and words that don't seem to have a glossary or even standard definition.

This is one messed up system of belief and I feel caught in the middle. I cannot unbelieve what I have seen as the truth, but, I also can't live with all these expectations that other people (not God) are placing on me as their definition of what a Christian should be. It seems that things have switched from a political/social scene (former life) to a religious/morality scene (current life) where in both scenes people are vying for mystical, invisible points, favor and status.

I don't want to play this game any more.

I am tired of not understanding all of you Christian people or whatever it is you call yourself these days. (I have yet to feel a part of anything and truly belong)

I am hurt and grieved by the words you say to me and the treatment you offer to me and others like me.

The only people who have walked this path with me, accepting my questions and new beliefs have been people from my past. They neither condemn nor approve of each new tact I try. They want me to be happy, even if that is single and celibate. Do they understand love better than church people?

Let me be clear, I am not forsaking my faith, I am simply struggling with my place, where I fit in, and the way I am being treated. Yes, I may not have it all in order, or understand everything you do, but please help me out! You wouldn't treat a child like this, when he was having a hard time walking?

I want to understand. I want to be understood.

Please stop hurting me with your help.

In the Quiet

This morning was full of music from the instant I awoke. Light flooded the bedroom and warmed the down comforter on me, but the day had to begin! I found myself either roaring or growling when I awoke(not sure which), which while different, is not so odd with me. Vocalization and sounds, odd voices...all normal in Daemonland...but what was I growling/roaring about?

My first real thought of the day was, "What in the world are the doctors doing when they tap on my abs and stomach with their fingers?" I have a sneaking suspicion they are just filling time, one saw another do it and copied him... it serves no purpose and it's just their way of looking like they are busy while talking to me. Some kind of physical rapport thing, like a waiter touching my shoulder, or sitting in my booth while taking my order? Hmmm...random, I know.

After feasting on sounds all morning, I sit here in the quiet sun, reading blogs, checking mail, answering messages and all the creative activities that keep us in contact with one another. I can hear myself breath, the creak of the leather chair and my knees and ankles pop when I stretch hard. Why do I always strive to fill the silence at times? Even in the woods, on top of a mountain or in the middle of water...there is sound. But do I listen?

I have an inner monologue that is always running, sometimes on several different tracks at the same time, about so many varied things, but sometimes it feels good to just stop. It gets odd when my mouth starts answering the wrong track of thoughts to people who are on another rail line.

To be intentional in my thinking...

All of my blog posts to date have been reactionary, something put up here while in the moment, speaking off the top of my head. I have seen others carefully write and examine issues in their lives or current events. I tend to do neither. What does that say of me...of them?

I guess this is my way of sharing my mind speak, that internal monologue, with other people, but it rarely hints of what I truly believe. It has been a safe place to doubt and kick around ideas. I know that it is rarely interesting, but I hesitate to share what I feel deeply about things.

The real Daemon still is kind of bottled up and cut off. That inner me that I keep for myself.

So here in the quiet, while the fire pops and heating sighs with warmth, I think about it.

I will come back later with something worth saying.

Old Skool Playlist :)

Musings since Snow

Morning broke with an amazing blaze of light. Newly fallen snow blanketed silently the ever familiar forms of this place I call home. A hush, never broken, and calm seemed to call me to expectancy.

Something is happening...wait for it...yes.

This is peace.

Rest man child. Cease your fumblings and strainings.

Look and see...watch and listen. Open your eyes and ears, but be still.

Put your head down on my chest and listen to my heart.

In the quiet...I am here.

Greater love has no man than this...

Portents of a new day full of the bustle and activity that all too often follows this holiday season. In my body I still feel some ache and tightness from everything undertaken this week, the good and the bad, but all in all, I feel excellent! Living well and taking care of this physical gift has done well by me. In my life at times, I have wished for another, or a difference, but as time goes by, I find myself appreciating and loving the one I have. Everyone else has seemed to enjoy it, but we always want something different than us. Is it odd that I still consider myself a small guy? My eyes tell me different, being over 6 feet tall, but inside of it, I still feel like the little child at times. Must be a head space I live in. Looking of a man, feeling of a boy. Grow me up.

Trimming more Christmas trees today! I look forward to spending time at church with family and friends, sharing life and making things look beautiful for others. I get a charge out a decorating that is similar to finishing construction projects or working on my cars. I guess arranging flowers can feel as good as a great bonfire? I think contentment and happiness is oten found in diverse activities, but it still impacts us the same, and "feels" the same inside.

Eh...rambling...kind of normal for me I guess.

It is almost time for coffee...but after sleeping in today (morning off) I just don't want to get out of my jammies. Rag wool socks feel like sweaters for my feet and this crushed fleece hoodie and flannel pants just might be the uniform of the day? I can pull some ski pants and goretex over it all and bundle off on errands. I'll just call it my base layer for a comfy day...yeah! Its a working pajama day. I like it and declare it so!

Input and emails from friends and strangers. So many words pointed at me. Questions needing answers, people reaching out. How to keep up with it all and still retain some space for me? I think ministry can be this simple at times. Kind words finding questioning hearts. The presence of a friend at an event, just for support and love being near. We all need each other, sometimes when words are not enough. I pray that I am present for my friends as they are for me. The gathering of men, the nearness of being, often helps us through swift water, even when words are not exchanged. I will be there for you, will you be there for me?

Hmm...need to get this day going! Day light is burning. I have much to write about, but need to sift the thoughts through the winnow of the day, burn off the dross and distill what is truly running like still water underneath.

Oh...and SHOPPING! :) I hate it when my car is dirty, maybe switch to the truck today?

Hmm...

I am an idiot at times, making decisions that go against all that I believe now. Why is the body so strong and the mind and soul so weak?

Sharing life should not come at quite so high a cost

Today will be better and I do not know how to finish what I started.

Choices have lasting impact, and this morning and life feels shattered.

There is pleasure in sin for a season, but I am worried that my heart is engaged now. I have not felt this way about another person in a long time.

I'm a sucker for short guys, curly hair and a winsome smile. How can something that feels so right be so wrong? Good, strong things come often in smaller packages, though not all things were small. Woof!

Making my way through today with coffee and a smile will be a challenge. My heart and head are heavy with regret, hope and a downcast mischievous grin. Where to now, oh my soul?

I need to check in, shape up or ship out. I don't even know how to ask for help.

Forsake me not.

Something in me grasps for the ephemeral and the closeness and shared life fits well, like a broke in pair of jeans and comfy sweater. Would I walk this way again?

I only have two hands, and they are full. How to empty them and walk uprightly? Tonight will bring its own challenges.

Is it possible to move back and put a guy in his rightful place after having had him and us? It was a maddening fight for control and domination, tempered by surrender and soft closeness. Give and take, over and over.

The chimes ring out for another start. I am out of the gates, and I feel the beast is loosed. Take him and this from me if it is not to be.

What an amazing experience. Do I dare share again?





*Authors note*

This post was written "in the moment" and does not accurately reflect my desire to live as a forgiven and upright child of God. After some reflection, I am concerned it may send the wrong message. I in no way condone a sexual relationship outside of marriage. My actions were wrong. This post was nothing more than the confused heart and head space after making a bad decision. My apologies if any offense was taken.

Frackkkkkkkkk

Okay, prolly shouldn't post right now, but man. Tonight....crap. Work, good...church, good....dinner and then Derek.

WTF?

He's in the shower now.

Tonight.

Gone.

I am happy, sad, confused and conflicted.

FML.

G'nite.







*Authors note*

This post was written "in the moment" and does not accurately reflect my desire to live as a forgiven and upright child of God. After some reflection, I am concerned it may send the wrong message. I in no way condone a sexual relationship outside of marriage. My actions were wrong. This post was nothing more than the confused heart and head space after making a bad decision. My apologies if any offense was taken.

Freaking Emotions...

A long day rising and how it goes. From the sun break, coffee dripped wee hours till this night place dark time I lay my head, many things have found me well.

Wow...what a day! Woke up before my alarm and coffee pot this morning (thanks Stevie J, long story) and kicked this days ass!

OK...not really. Had the Men's Breakfast this morning with all the guys from the church (not really all of them, but quite a few of us younger guys) and that started out okay, but went some really strange places. The food was Awesome! (thanks David P. and all the guys that cooked, the food was GREAT!) After eating and hanging out, we circled up to share some life and that's when all kinds of weird emotions hit me out of the blue. I mean, I know alot of these guys, some of them very closely, but suddenly I was sad and scared and confused. I have no idea where all this came from, but I couldn't share. I was unable to even make eye contact with anyone in the group and had to keep fighting off tears.

Needless to say, this really freaked me out, and I started counting the links on my bracelet and reciting all the names of the guys I have dated, been with, or slept with. What was that all about? Why did they pop into my head? Why do I remember their names? I didn't feel like I was worthy to be a part of this group of males and somehow that was related to my being gay. I have never felt excluded from a group of men in my life, in fact am most often the aggressive leader of the pack, and now fear, insecurity and emotions just blindside me? I got through it and tried to beat a retreat to work, but the friends were having none of it.

It is kind of hard to fidget with a stainless steel chain, mutter to yourself and cry without attracting someones attention...

So, spent some time with Stephen and David, explaining what I was feeling. I listened to them and was encouraged a 'lil bit (hugs helped), but went on to work with the feeling that I don't fit in anywhere. I don't understand all this. I have never felt this way before. Where is this coming from? Why do I feel so strongly cut off, even in the face of all this overwhelming love and support from my friends and brothers?

Work was good but long...too many hot guys, cute guys, beautiful guys...ya get the picture.

Got out of there and went to the Art Auction at the JW Gallery tonight. It was a fundraiser for our friends in the Pokot tribe in Africa. Each year we raise money to drill more wells for fresh water (last year we raised 60K, woot woot!) Tonight was soooo much fun, and all those weird emotions were gone, or at least for awhile. Everyone was there and looked so happy and shiny. Man, I love my friends!

We sold some awesome pieces of art (Stephen bought 3 himself) and it was amazing! Micah's band played for us and the silent and live auctions went smashingly. The only piece I wanted, I lost at the last bids...by a freaking obscene amount. GRRRRRRRR! I was sorry to have lost the art, but thankful that this person donated so much for such a worthy cause. More people will have water...life...and we will be able to share with them the living water, which is Christ Jesus. Oh...and the food...YES!

Anyway, that was my day today. I sit here with my feet up, eating a snack and downing water while preparing for yet another day. Church and work tomorrow...what a weird combo and collision of worlds. I'll sleep well tonight and re-examine later that weird emotional break, when my heart and mind feel around to it.

Tonight...I sleep alone.

Yawn and Stretch!

Wow...another night of dead to the world sleep! I think this is a direct result of a clean conscious, nothing intruding, bothering, worrying or convicting me. Not a care in the world on waking up. Just laying in the sun and stretching till every chord and sinew in my body vibrated with its own simple thrumming tune. That ever happen to anyone else?

Last night at small group was interesting. We went over Deth's message last Sunday and then practiced Lectio Divina. During that, we read aloud the same passage of scripture 6 different times, paired into couples, male then female. After each reading we reflect, think upon and share the different thoughts, emotions and then actions something found prompts us too. While it may seem a bit liturgical, it is amazing what examining ourselves before the Scripture reveals. So personal and communal at the same time. While at first, I felt out of place with these people from church, I am finding my niche, or spot. How different we are all. Most of them are married with kids, lives more complex beyond my imaginings, but I too have something to share from my perspective. They have never lived a life like mine either.

Today will be interesting I am sure. The sun is out, music sounds super awesome and I am getting ready for a run and workout. Coffee fills the air with its rich morning perfume and all is well with the world. All too often I get caught up in complicated scenarios when each day, life could be this simple, if I would let it be. My body feels and looks good today. It is amazing what a good diet, exercise and sleep will do for ones physical plant. I rejoice in the body fantastic today!

I will have to miss dinner with Stephen tonight, unless by some stroke of luck they let me off the schedule. Being ok with that I am. Hope all is well with those whose eyes grace this page at some random time. If you have found your way here...you are loved. If you seek for answers, I pray you find. While looking for love, never neglect to look up...and out. Peace.

Struggling but winning...

Yesterday was a beautiful day, and I almost succeeded in wrecking it. It started out simple enough. Got cleaned up and ran some errands and then decided to run by and see Richard at work. I had a few beers and we talked. Ended up running into Scott again and his ink work is coming along nicely, almost a full sleeve done now. Long story short, had a few more beers (bad decision) and ended up running the pool table for a while. Somewhere in the course of the after noon, Scott decided he liked me again and began showing his interest in my life and me. While I liked the attention, something inside of me kept saying, "Stop". I could list all of the reasons, but I knew I was in over my head.

I decided to call Geoff and he got up there in a hurry. I explained the situation with Scott and he started running some defensive interference for me. He's a good blocker, but Scott was insistent and kept shooting down all my explanations and stories. I was torn. He is a great guy, good head on his shoulders, great shoulders too and definitely "my type". Short, blond curly hair and built. I love the tatt's hes been working on, but also know that he is not available, to me, or anyone else.

He seemed to think that I was cool with their open relationship (him and the boyfriend) but I couldn't make him see that it wasn't going to happen. It is almost as if he could see the struggle inside of me and was trying to wear me down. Finally, I just got up and left. Geoff was busy talking to a friend of his, and I was exhausted inside of my head and knew I needed to go home before my body made the decision for me.

Soooo...I won one with God's help and learned that it is never too late to call a friend for help, but on the other hand, I think that the drinking and hanging out with friends at my old haunts is not a good thing right now in my life. I am not strong enough, or single minded enough to sit at peace in the midst of temptation. But how to walk away from it all? I will miss my friends, but our gatherings seem to revolve around drinking, dancing and hanging out at the local clubs. This is not the testimony I wish to portray and seems alot like the life I left when Jesus called me to Him. Just because I am Christian now, doesn't give me the right to live so close to the edge.

I feel great today, after much sleep (about 10 hours) and know that I need to make better decisions. I need more good Christian friends and maybe need to cut out some people, places and activities that keep taking me close to the edge. I cannot calm the beast within if I keep feeding him. Simple steps, but oh so hard to take. I am being challenged to live righteously in this present world. So how about we don't drink or hang out with my gay friends for awhile? They don't seem to be building me up.

Tonight I think I am going to share some more of my testimony at small group. Everyone loves me to death, but I need some more real world accountability and would benefit from these guys and girls walking along side of me. By being weak and sharing my life, I may help someone else who is struggling in their own way. I know that they know I am gay, but I don't think they quite understand the constant fight that I live out daily. I present too well, am always too polished and never admit weakness. That needs to change...we all need help with something.

Side note: Stephen called and wants to have dinner on Friday night. I am working late, so cannot, and this frustrates me and also relieves me? Upset that I don't get to spend time with him, but also know that I need to tread carefully in that friendship, not only for my hearts sake, but for his as well. I worry about how I feel about him and know that it will have to be talked out soon. Since I don't know where he is coming from, we need to communicate about what we are doing here. Where is this relationship going? How can we live out a Godly friendship and also not make space for something that should not be? I am just a Jonathan looking for my David.

It was a good day.

Short post here...I made good choices all day. I actually have no regrets for this time. I feel different, odd, cleaner, less confused. Above all...I have some peace. More reflections later.