Thursday, December 10, 2009
Something I have noticed more of late, and that has been illustrated to me today, is that the more I question myself and attempt change, the more the people around me do not understand me. It seems if I am bucking their accepted version of my past life, with my continuing differences that are occurring, as I make greater steps in my spiritual journey.
They are not happy with the fact that my status is in a state of flux or transition. Some of them miss the "old" Daemon and others are just growing weary with a struggle in the "new" Daemon that they see no merit in. Am I wasting my time? Wasting it on people who don't get it? Wasting it on myself about issues that really don't matter in eternity?
Before Christ in my life, things were simple, life was good. All the lines and labels were crisply drawn and delineated and there was no conflict or struggle over how to live. I had accepted myself and the future I had planned and was living my "dream". My friends and family interacted with me based on my presentation of life, and yes meant yes, and no meant no. There was no gray area about what I believed, or did not believe. No conflict in my mind and life about who I was, what I was doing and the choices I made.
After Christ...things are just jacked, well, if not jacked, at least much more complicated. (Yes, I am not addressing His salvation and the other benefits as a child of God, while eternal and enormous, but am looking at the here and now reality without alot of fancy church speak.) I do not understand what is going on. My family and friends do not understand what is going on. I have labels... I don't have labels? What am I? Where do all these rules and doctrines come from? (You keep saying the Bible, but I have read it and still am not seeing your words) Who changed the game? Now I am stuck between the friends I have left behind, who are at loss for words about the choices I am making, and the new friends I have made, who expect me to be like them, believe and live like them with no practice or room for error. Hell, you all even speak your own weird language at times, with your terms and words that don't seem to have a glossary or even standard definition.
This is one messed up system of belief and I feel caught in the middle. I cannot unbelieve what I have seen as the truth, but, I also can't live with all these expectations that other people (not God) are placing on me as their definition of what a Christian should be. It seems that things have switched from a political/social scene (former life) to a religious/morality scene (current life) where in both scenes people are vying for mystical, invisible points, favor and status.
I don't want to play this game any more.
I am tired of not understanding all of you Christian people or whatever it is you call yourself these days. (I have yet to feel a part of anything and truly belong)
I am hurt and grieved by the words you say to me and the treatment you offer to me and others like me.
The only people who have walked this path with me, accepting my questions and new beliefs have been people from my past. They neither condemn nor approve of each new tact I try. They want me to be happy, even if that is single and celibate. Do they understand love better than church people?
Let me be clear, I am not forsaking my faith, I am simply struggling with my place, where I fit in, and the way I am being treated. Yes, I may not have it all in order, or understand everything you do, but please help me out! You wouldn't treat a child like this, when he was having a hard time walking?
I want to understand. I want to be understood.
Please stop hurting me with your help.