Thursday, December 3, 2009
Struggling but winning...
Yesterday was a beautiful day, and I almost succeeded in wrecking it. It started out simple enough. Got cleaned up and ran some errands and then decided to run by and see Richard at work. I had a few beers and we talked. Ended up running into Scott again and his ink work is coming along nicely, almost a full sleeve done now. Long story short, had a few more beers (bad decision) and ended up running the pool table for a while. Somewhere in the course of the after noon, Scott decided he liked me again and began showing his interest in my life and me. While I liked the attention, something inside of me kept saying, "Stop". I could list all of the reasons, but I knew I was in over my head.
I decided to call Geoff and he got up there in a hurry. I explained the situation with Scott and he started running some defensive interference for me. He's a good blocker, but Scott was insistent and kept shooting down all my explanations and stories. I was torn. He is a great guy, good head on his shoulders, great shoulders too and definitely "my type". Short, blond curly hair and built. I love the tatt's hes been working on, but also know that he is not available, to me, or anyone else.
He seemed to think that I was cool with their open relationship (him and the boyfriend) but I couldn't make him see that it wasn't going to happen. It is almost as if he could see the struggle inside of me and was trying to wear me down. Finally, I just got up and left. Geoff was busy talking to a friend of his, and I was exhausted inside of my head and knew I needed to go home before my body made the decision for me.
Soooo...I won one with God's help and learned that it is never too late to call a friend for help, but on the other hand, I think that the drinking and hanging out with friends at my old haunts is not a good thing right now in my life. I am not strong enough, or single minded enough to sit at peace in the midst of temptation. But how to walk away from it all? I will miss my friends, but our gatherings seem to revolve around drinking, dancing and hanging out at the local clubs. This is not the testimony I wish to portray and seems alot like the life I left when Jesus called me to Him. Just because I am Christian now, doesn't give me the right to live so close to the edge.
I feel great today, after much sleep (about 10 hours) and know that I need to make better decisions. I need more good Christian friends and maybe need to cut out some people, places and activities that keep taking me close to the edge. I cannot calm the beast within if I keep feeding him. Simple steps, but oh so hard to take. I am being challenged to live righteously in this present world. So how about we don't drink or hang out with my gay friends for awhile? They don't seem to be building me up.
Tonight I think I am going to share some more of my testimony at small group. Everyone loves me to death, but I need some more real world accountability and would benefit from these guys and girls walking along side of me. By being weak and sharing my life, I may help someone else who is struggling in their own way. I know that they know I am gay, but I don't think they quite understand the constant fight that I live out daily. I present too well, am always too polished and never admit weakness. That needs to change...we all need help with something.
Side note: Stephen called and wants to have dinner on Friday night. I am working late, so cannot, and this frustrates me and also relieves me? Upset that I don't get to spend time with him, but also know that I need to tread carefully in that friendship, not only for my hearts sake, but for his as well. I worry about how I feel about him and know that it will have to be talked out soon. Since I don't know where he is coming from, we need to communicate about what we are doing here. Where is this relationship going? How can we live out a Godly friendship and also not make space for something that should not be? I am just a Jonathan looking for my David.