Monday, December 7, 2009
I am an idiot at times, making decisions that go against all that I believe now. Why is the body so strong and the mind and soul so weak?
Sharing life should not come at quite so high a cost
Today will be better and I do not know how to finish what I started.
Choices have lasting impact, and this morning and life feels shattered.
There is pleasure in sin for a season, but I am worried that my heart is engaged now. I have not felt this way about another person in a long time.
I'm a sucker for short guys, curly hair and a winsome smile. How can something that feels so right be so wrong? Good, strong things come often in smaller packages, though not all things were small. Woof!
Making my way through today with coffee and a smile will be a challenge. My heart and head are heavy with regret, hope and a downcast mischievous grin. Where to now, oh my soul?
I need to check in, shape up or ship out. I don't even know how to ask for help.
Forsake me not.
Something in me grasps for the ephemeral and the closeness and shared life fits well, like a broke in pair of jeans and comfy sweater. Would I walk this way again?
I only have two hands, and they are full. How to empty them and walk uprightly? Tonight will bring its own challenges.
Is it possible to move back and put a guy in his rightful place after having had him and us? It was a maddening fight for control and domination, tempered by surrender and soft closeness. Give and take, over and over.
The chimes ring out for another start. I am out of the gates, and I feel the beast is loosed. Take him and this from me if it is not to be.
What an amazing experience. Do I dare share again?
This post was written "in the moment" and does not accurately reflect my desire to live as a forgiven and upright child of God. After some reflection, I am concerned it may send the wrong message. I in no way condone a sexual relationship outside of marriage. My actions were wrong. This post was nothing more than the confused heart and head space after making a bad decision. My apologies if any offense was taken.