So yeah, here goes nothing. I have not been able to find my words or gather my thoughts well, as of late, so I am just going to type here till I feel better or at least get some of these ideas and crap out of my head.
Drove to work today, singing my head off, in the sun, with the top down and sped home tonight, listening to Hillsong at full crank, with a HUGE summer storm pounding down around me. It was an awesome spectacle of blinding lightening, crashing thunder, like a potato wagon on a wooden plank bridge and that rain! Sheets and blinding white sheets of water, like curtains over the whole road. I freakin' LOVED IT! :D
Got up this early and had breakfast with my Da' at Firstwatch, and then Mom and a neighbor showed up! Pretty cool to hang with both of them in the same day. Me and my Da' split and got some serious talking in about my present and future. He still is my closest friend and adviser when it comes to the reality of my life. Is that weird? I don't think so. We have become pretty tight since I met God and been back from the Navy. Kind of making up for lost time and realizing that the only other man like me is him, and man, are we alike! It is simply uncanny at times to listen to him and realize how much I am my father's son. How does that happen? So different, yet so alike?
Much has been going on, but I have been realizing that some changes need to be made. In work, with school, at church, among friends and in my relationship. None of this is going to be easy, but its like I woke up the last few days, found some clarity and remember who I am supposed to be and how much I miss that guy!
Working all day tomorrow then over to Michael's for dinner and a movie. Kind of interested to see what he has to say after last Friday. (long story short, hung with him and his best friend, went to breakfast with best friend, spilled guts to him, wonder what he told Michael) Chris, his friend, really seemed to like me and it was cool to get his perspective and ideas on what he saw us as and how we fit in his eyes. All remains to be seen I guess? Kind of nervous, kind of excited? I meant everything I told him and if he passed it ALL along to Michael, then so be it. At least it's all out there and we can deal with it. I love what we have and will live with it, if I have to. I dunno really. Crapster!
So... no clean car tomorrow, BUT, I have a new rain coat and belt to wear! Kick ass! Bright yellow EB Nisqually Storm Shell and a new brown leather belt. Also managed to get home from work tonight without stopping for a drink or two with friends. That was kind of odd, but cool. Came home, cooked dinner, watched some tube, checked online and then bloggin' here before I crash.
I'd like to get to bed without running the porn circuit too. I pretty much have done what I want with my body and never let anyone make me feel ashamed about who I was or what I did, but I think I am kind of getting burned out on porn. I still jack off everyday, sometimes several times a day, just depends on the mood, but lately...nothing looks good? Is that part of being in a relationship? I really am not sure. I have never had a problem with porn, or thought it was wrong, but now I am not so sure? Just talking to other guys and stuff makes me re-consider the idea that at least it is not the BEST thing to be putting into my head all the time. Is all that too blunt to talk about? I like looking at naked guys. It is something I have done since I was a kid. Anyone have any thoughts on all that?
I know some Christian guys who try to quit masturbating and looking at porn, and I have never really understood that kind of behavior or discipline. What is the point really? Why should I have shame over what my body does naturally? I certainly didn't learn any body shame from my family or friends. I love my body. I like to make it feel good. That makes me happy. This idea of bracing against nature and then somehow being a better person or Christian confuses me completely. I do not hold that conviction and refuse to take up some other persons cross. Don't lay your guilt on me! Eh..maybe I am wrong and need to learn more, but it seems pretty sick to me.
Eh, well it's time to chat with some friends and head to bed guys. Hope to start writing more here if I can ever get my brain working again. Feel free to comment. I know I am in a weird spot right now, but I am NOT giving up. Peace!
Damon, I always appreciate your blog and your honesty. In regard to your question about porn, I have to be direct and state that I have never heard any Christian justify the use of porn or to question that there is anything wrong with it. Aside from the "use" of porn, it is very much an industry of exploitation, and the new trend for amateur porn on the Internet, while it may be voluntary, is certainly not something for a Christian to participate in or to view. Any scripture related to lust would speak to that as worshiping an idol.
ReplyDeleteI have nothing against appreciating the male body as a work of art, created by God. There are plenty of art books that address that aspect of male beauty just fine. But porn for the sake of satisfying sexual desire and lust is wrong scripturally. I'm not sure that you are arguing that point at all. If you haven't examined whether porn in and of itself is wrong for a Christian to use, I'd start with a Bible search on the word lust or sexual immorality. I would also question what you would think of others in the church who make regular use of porn and would try to justify, especially in leadership positions.
As far as masturbation, I won't argue strongly that it is sinful in and of itself. There are different perspectives on that, but if lusting is involved, then it is wrong from a biblical perspective. Some degree of self-control would also be called on out of obedience to God. If we seek momentary pleasure several times a day through satisfying our sexual needs, I would question how we learn self-control in anything as a Christian.
There are plenty of articles that talk about porn addiction. You may not be addicted yourself, but it is a habit that draws many into real addiction. Is porn something you want to support individually if it is harmful for so many? One good blog that helps people break free from addiction is the Breaking Free blog issued by Covenant Eyes. Here is one of their recent articles.
http://www.covenanteyes.com/blog/2010/04/05/good-news-for-porn-users/
Good food for thought and discussion, my friend. I'll be praying for you as you mull over these comments.
Jeff