I don't want to write this...

I don't feel like blogging right now, but you know what? Tough crap, Daemon! Sometimes you don't get your way, and this is one of them. Not sure why I hesitate to share life at the moment, but something inside of me is really pulling back from it all and everyone. I think David hit it on the head last night, when he pointed out that I am independent all the way to the harming and marring of myself. Why is it so damn hard for me to reach out? He also said lots of deep stuff about foundation and formation, but it was kind of hard to grasp. I mean, I sort of got it at the time, but then it kind of slipped away.

I guess what he was talking about was that some things "are" me. For instance...I am male. I have a dick, a penis, whatever word ya like. That part of me is pretty easy to see and understand. But so many other things have been formed around that reality in my life, and much of that formation seems to happen around our childhood years. Now to be honest, that always sounding like a load of total crap to me, and I never put much stock in all that touchy-feely, talk about your childhood, hold hands, kum-bai-yah, sit in a circle jerk, crazy talk. BUT now that I am willing to really examine some stuff about growing up,from childhood to teenage years, there was some (edited for content by author) bad things going on.

I am sorry to you all, that is the only way I can put it right now. (profanity deleted)

Looking back I realize that I have claimed as my own all the actions of others, all pain they caused and confusion and made it into something "good" in my life. I have been the ultimate spin doctor of my own history. Meaning, I have 1. tried to claim that power they exercised over me, as a conscious act of MY choosing, 2. decided to remember good there, when there was bad and thus attempt to 3. negate all the harm and hurt done to me. It is like a perpetual pair of rose-colored glasses looking back at my past, or just re-writing all the events in my minds eye, to re-explain or resolve all the things I hated or did not understand. Kind of like, I chose this and actively participated in it, got some good out of it through who it made me into, the lessons taught about people so....it was all a good thing. Blah, blah, blah...bull shit!

Many things were far from good. How I grew up as a child and then young adult was not normal, healthy or even morally right. Where did I end up with this wonderful story about it all? Who cooked this up? (I know that I did, but am trying to figure out why...)

Now if you are wondering or worried , I am not about to verbally vomit my past on you all, as I hate it when others do that crap to me. There are alot of things I am better off not knowing about my friends, about people I care about, those that I love or even the guys I casually know. I do not think the answers to life problems come from "talking about it all" or "sharing our hearts" or all the other nonsense crap that this weak version of manhood and emasculating drivel has tried to coax into our lexicon and practice as men. I am all for some honesty and bearing each others burdens, but you know what? There's alot of stuff that you all just need to keep to yourself, and the same goes for me too! I believe that some things are just to be taken to the grave with us. No other comment needed.,

But...

I am starting to see that there are some things that I do need to process out loud with a trusted and respected friend. Feed back from another persons perspective is a powerful thing and tends to cut through the pattern of lies and thoughts that we tell ourselves to cope with all the stuff that just that builds up inside of us,all through the years. It is not that I forgot about my childhood, or suppressed some memory of it and all the events, it's just that I never thought of it at all, except to summon stories about the stuff I liked, or color beautiful the less than savory aspects of it all.

Suffice it to say, this still isn't easy to write right now, but I hope by winging it and getting some words out here without a filter or self-editing that I am making a bit of sense. I guess maybe sometimes I say more by what I leave out than what I include?

If that is the case, please read all the words I did not type.

Crap...I am going to go smoke, come back here and start all over, or keep going, or something like that.