Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Can you see the struggle?
Is the battle that self evident?
One day, on top of the world with light and sound...
the next just struggling through miry clay and ashes.
Everyone else seems to have it all together, and I can't seem to even get more than 24 well ordered, obedient hours in, before something else blindsides me.
How can I not help but feel a failure at my feeble attempts to live this Christian life?
Last night was low...nothing major happened...I didn't screw up in some horrible way, I just felt like shit and was questioning it all. All of this energy and effort put into trying to change over the last few years. It feels like my head is full of huge boulders that are cracking and slamming into each other in a mad tumble and scram and the sounds they make as they pound, let me know that they are not breaking down into manageable pieces.
Landslide in my head. Feeling alone on a cliff face. Am I climbing up or down? I can't get my head back far enough to see if I have made any progress, or am just clinging to the sheer ledges and waiting out a storm?
Sorry I don't have anything redeeming to say today. I am trying to look back into my past, but that place and room is so dark, I always end up running away. I thought I had a great life, until I started peering back and removing the walls and filters that I always relate and process events through. How do I manage to have such a positive outlook on all things? Am I faulty somehow and not processing stuff like normal people do?
It is like I feel dead inside to so many things that have happened to me, and choices I made myself. OK, not really dead so much as flat. I can see the event. I can remember things...and nothing. I know I should feel something, in fact if it was some other persons life, I would feel emotion...but to me, it's all shades of gray and silent white noise.
I'm digging all the new music I got yesterday. New sounds. I always relied on other friends to introduce me to new stuff, but lately...nothing. So I took a chance and got some new tunes that to be honest, knew nothing about. Cool indeed!
Where are you God?
Have you forsaken me?
How long will you wait?
I need you now, in this dark place.
You see that I am scared, only you can look right through and see me and how I truly am. I don't get it. I don't understand. Why the pain and tears?
Why are you so good to me, considering who I am? Please help.
But I am also mad at you right now. What is going on? Why would you make me this way? How dare you hand me something this hard to deal with? Is this fair somehow? Do you expect me to believe that it is for my good? How can this infernal, eternal, internal fight and all the shit I have dealt with from other people be good for me? I would rather have any other sin to fight. At least they are more socially acceptable and don't spook and scare people so much in this country.Everyone else seems to be doing just fine, and I'm not.
You are destroying everything I held dear. Taking away all the people and things that I love. Asking me to change me...to change myself. How can I change something I don't even understand in the first place? Oh...and get it all done while you are alone too! This is crap, man! I love my sexuality. I have always embraced being different. And now you're trying to convince me that all of it is wrong? You are telling me, that I am evil...my very core. Everything that I love and have stood for, the beauty and love I have shared in life is worthless, and not just worthless but at its very root, wrong? Me = unright?
How to keep the sullen bitterness away from my heart? Everything is eating me alive and I cannot help but wonder if it is worth it. There is a burning in my bones and an ache in my heart. I can't live on emotions and "feel good". I am not seeking for a better feeling, or happiness...but for truth.
Give me truth, or I die.
Maybe not today or tomorrow, but soon, and that without remedy.