Saturday, December 19, 2009
Woke up again today before the dawn...almost feels like the Navy again. Rolling out for the balls to four watch and standing duty...man, I don't miss those days! Good old Rotten Groton, CT. Brrrrrr! It is cold and clear outside and I eagerly await the sun and the start of another day. It is going to be so busy...but I can dig it!
This morning my mind crept back softly over the past a bit and I wondered and pondered some parts of my childhood and relationships I have had. Thoughts of Christopher and all those years. Fun in the sun at the lake. Sleeping in and driving aimlessly through the city. And Matthew, late night talks laying on the roof, staring at the stars and wondering who we would be in the far distant future.
Well the future is now. We have all moved on in our different ways, but I have to wonder, why are they married with kids now, and I'm still gay? What part of me didn't change and grow with time as it did them? Looking back, most of the guys I have been with in life, whether for years at a time, or something more May to Decemberish, have each moved past me in their development of life, if you want to call it that. Like the time for being boys, for them, is over and they became men, in more of a true or accepted sense. That is, if you can call being heterosexual and fathering children "manly". I guess it is a large part of what drives many humans on this earth. That need for pro-creation, fatherhood and what not. I don't desire that...at all. Nothing could be more scary than the thought of accepting responsibility for another humans life, knowing that by my actions, I have caused them to be.
I guess, in spite of my age and the trappings of adulthood that seem to follow me, I am still a kid in many ways. Am I the definition of arrested development? I have the financial freedom to do what I want, when I want, and my life is unencumbered by many of the responsibilities and obligations of my peer group. I remember my little sister telling me that I am selfish, to which I replied, I can't help but not be. I only have me to care for and take care of. Singular me. I still drive fast little sports cars, travel alot and tend to pick and chose my way through the activities and friends I want to be at and with. In fact, my lifestyle has changed little since I was in high school. I like nice clothes, shoes, gadgets, tools, books, music, guns, boating and good food. Hanging out, shooting pool and having a brew with friends is an easy way to spend time. Long mornings at coffee shops, sketching, reading and sharing conversation with other souls. Carefree in so many ways...is this healthy? Is this normal? Am I refusing to grow up? Did I get stuck in life somehow? Is this all it is? I fell in love with a boy, had sex with him and then just never moved on to anything else? Somehow they did. In fact, most of them did. I never thought of it like that. I guess I tend to keep it simple. I know what I like and don't ever really question it or examine it.
What further maturity is in store for me? Now that I have thought about this, does that mean I have to change? I like me...just the way I am. Is this just fear of something different? I can't help but think I am missing something...