Monday, October 12, 2009
Frustrated and looking for Clarity
First off, I'm not mad or upset, at least not at the moment I have started writing all this, but I've got alot in my head and it needs to come out if it will. The last few weeks have left my hand hurting from so many journal entries and still more thoughts keep coming up. Questions too, that don't seem to have answers.
I am trying to find me underneath all of this. I have so many layers of opinion and teachings in my life. People have been handing me their ideas, concerns and beliefs for so long that I feel like an old house with layer after layer of paint. All this needs to be scraped away to fresh wood before I can start painting my life on this body.
There is a disconnect between what my mouth and head says I believe, and how I actually live my life and I am trying to synchronize the two. I need to do this so I will know what I believe, good or bad, and also that I will have a starting point for change if it is needed.
I don't feel guilt or shame for being gay. I am sorry people. There is a large gap between who I am and what I chose to do. I have made good choices, but this hasn't changed who I am or what my heart desires. If this means I am a faulty person, or somehow broken as a Christian, I don't know what to tell you. Just kind of putting my thoughts out there. I refuse to accept the condemnation people have been trying to hand me my entire life. I have never hid who I am and I am not going to start now. God loves me, I love Him. That is my starting point and ending point. Let Him point the way for me... it is not your job.
This life I am living kicks ass! I love what I do, the freedom it gives me. I am releasing the idea that this is all some kind of big competition. I am happy for your success, but I don't really give a crap how I measure up to it or to you. I like who I am. I will share time with you, until it hurts me, makes me feel bad or infringes on what I want to do...then I am off. Maybe it's selfish? Who else do I have to look after or take care of?
You are entitled to your opinion, but I don't have to take the time to listen to it. I have spent so much time in life looking for acceptance in others...and it just doesn't matter...at all. I am self validating from now on. This is my declaration of independence from all of you who keep stealing my energy and trying to control me, all in the name of "caring" and "concern". You don't love me! Why else would you keep hurting me with your words and actions. I am tired of feeling so deeply for people who look right through me and continue to use me. In the immortal words of Cartman "Screw you guys...I'm going home!"
OK...I know that's all jumbled up and makes no sense, but I am not going to edit it for content or clarity. Maybe I just need to rant for a bit and finally stop being so nice about everything all the time. I've been screwed over too much to not seek smiles for myself. I'm going to figure this crap out, even if it makes me crazy in the process.