Sunday, October 18, 2009

When I fall.

Another morning to start afresh. A place to gather my thoughts. Time and space to put my body through its paces and be thankful again for protection and grace. An anticipation that today will be better than the one before it.

I make choices at times without thought of their consequences and find myself once again flat on my face. It is the progression and sneakiness of my sin that gets me every time. Sure, you can do have been doing well! Go ahead, just a little down that path. No harm right? Eh, if you're here might as well have fun? Things have been great lately, celebrate and live a little!

And so it starts again. That spiral that keeps bringing me down, one slow turn at a time. Nothing but terminal velocity until I hit the earth. Crap! You did it again, Daemon! Nice move idiot. I know that in my flesh, body and mind, dwells no good thing.

Today will be better. I will be careful. I know my weakness. Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, not standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful. But his delight is in the law of the Lord and in His law doth he meditate day and night.

That progression of walking, standing and then sitting is the pattern that always reaches out and bites me in the ass. One choice leading to another, and then I am right back where I used to be, happily mucking about in sin and then waking up the next morning and wondering what happened?

I fell, but I am getting up. I'm upset, but not destroyed. Each time costs me a bit more, but God is merciful. He loves me, in spite of my weakness. He, for some reason, chose me. I need to chose Him more. Sometimes this struggle seams to eat away at me, till there is nothing left but the crap I face everyday. Will I ever be free?

And with that, I am going to lay it down and walk away. As far as the East is from the West...into the deepest sea. That is where I'm throwing it.


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