Sunday, November 29, 2009

Today is another day.

Recovering I guess? Thoughts are kind of bunching up in my head, but I need to make an attempt to get them out. This last week was an exercise in futility. All the basics were taken care of, but my choices leave much to be desired. My body is tired and my mind a bit sluggish, that might be from the long hours spent awake and tuned into the present.

Went to the early service today, since I had to work, and saw few people I really knew. Got a speeding ticket this morning that I have to forward to my lawyer and that kind of set the tone for the day. Work was alot of fun though. I truly enjoy the guys that I work with, their company and conversation. Such a diverse group, and certainly easy on the eyes, but that's just comes with the territory I guess. We are there to sell a product, an image and a lifestyle. JC had to go home sick and I hope he is feeling better. Poor guy.

Not sure what this week brings, but I am not ready for December. much to do! It is strange having some accountability in my life now, after so much time spent kind of pulling it alone. I appreciate the concern, but find facts and hard data elusive when I share. Are people more comfortable with a general idea, or do they really care?

Life is certainly changing, and I feel excited but also a bit nervous at all the differences I see and feel. I need to start being more intentional and deliberate with my free time. I leave to much to chance and following my nose often leads me to trouble. I wish I had something more profound to offer tonight, but I am feeling kind of grey.

Got to talk to a Marine tonight who came in and ended up getting some coffee with him after work. Interesting guy and real nice, pretty lonely too. I have been there in my life. I remember trying to connect with people so many times when I was in the Navy and never feeling like I had a place, when I was on leave or off base. Everyone wants a piece of you, but can never truly know you. I will be praying for him when he deploys next, and know that I have made a friend. Take care of yourself Micah, and keep seeking truth. A brother in arms. I miss that camaraderie of my shipmates.

Watched a bit of the games tonight and am thinking about turning in early. I really need to talk to someone, but don't know how to open up more. I feel at times so closed off, and that people only know parts of me, or that they like the idea of me, but not the details. I am a person too! I feel stuff, things are going on, I hurt, but they never seem to see past the wall and the way that I present myself? Is that my fault? Have I built a house of smoke and mirrors to protect myself? I guess if it looks good, then no one asks. I need to be more transparent, but fail miserable at that.

I am discovering things about my past. Incidents that I buried in my head and heart. Things I never thought on. What do all these memories mean, and why are they coming up now? Is God trying to tell me something, teach me something? How do I feel so happy all the time, given some of the weight I carry. Am I an idiot? Or just happy and dumb? I can't tell, I am too close to it all I guess.


  1. I don't know if everyone is like this, but I have found that guys like us are extremely introspective.

    It seems like we are constantly analyzing our thoughts, and then analyzing the analysis of our thoughts, thinking about our thinking and why feel this way.

    It can drive ya nutz!

    Know that you're not alone and I am praying for you as I write this.

    Love ya man!


  2. I just want to agree with Erik on the whole introspectiveness of us sensitive guys. We're the ones who thinking deeply about things from every angle and always cover it all with a big helping of empathy and emotion.

    But I must admit, I laughed pretty hard when I read "or that they like the idea of me, but not the details" I just think that's comedic gold right there, sorry!

    And as for your accountability, I'd say just go for broke and be as honest as possible. That's been my new philosophy. I don't think there's any other way to reach true vulnerability and community in relationships. That's what the church should represent!