Saturday, November 14, 2009
I need some answers. Some real concrete, black and white, solid evidence about how I am supposed to live this life. The last four years have been an interesting journey, but I feel in some ways that I have been standing on the promises and shoulders of others beliefs.
These things I know: God loves me. I have a free will. There is a purpose for my life. I am gay.
That being said, I am tired of repeating, to myself and others, the same idea and line that I believe God's purpose for my life is to live single and celibate. That may be the purpose, but saying I believe it hasn't made it any more true in my mind. It still sounds nebulous and foggy, like a whisper that was repeated enough that it took on substance and solidity in my mind.
I am a relational being. I have been made to be with people, interacting and sharing life, and I am tired of being single. This is not a rant, just a collection of ideas that have been in my head lately. I am not sure if it is because of the interactions I am having with other Christians, but I am having a hard time defending my faith and belief in this concept of singlehood against the questions and ideas of others. What really matters?
I have spent a large part of my youth and adult life in relationships. These have always been with other guys, and I was happy, content and peaceful. Life was simple. I am not saying that I am starting to date again, or that I am pursuing or entering into a emotional, physical and spiritual relationship with another guy, but I am less opposed to the idea due to needs and questions I am starting to have. I am looking honestly at my life. Why am I called to such a high standard, when others weakness' are being excused and accepted all around me?
I can still hear, "Shall we continue in sin so that grace may abound, God forbid!" But I am starting to change or possibly lose something. I am not saying I am right. I am just stating where my mind is lately. I am tired of being single. I hurt each time I turn down a date, or make distance in another friendship, thinking and feeling each time that I am losing something, or missing an experience that I so need. I also feel guilty a bit, that I don't feel guilty. I am at peace with my status as a gay guy, but how to live it out as a Christian has me completely stumped.
This might not make any sense at the moment, but I can't seem to express myself clearer. I guess there is just some confusion in my mind and I want to know for sure. I am tired of opinions and people arguing the matter. I can't continue to place my life on hold, while I wait for other people to come to some sort of solution. Please God, show me what I am to do.
I need an answer.