Saturday, November 21, 2009

What to do?

So now that I realize that my "beliefs" are quite shaky...meaning not shored up in my head and heart as they should will this effect the decisions I am making now? In short, while I know that God is a integral part of my life and is with me each step of this journey, how do I live a full life?

Friends I have, confidants I have, family is always there. I am plugged into a great community of believers and am involved in different ministries that I feel led to be a part of...but something is missing.

A part of me is lonely, and I have been meeting some guys that are more than willing to be a part of my life. But how does a gay Christian guy go about dating? Do I set boundaries in a relationship that the other person may not agree to, or think that someday may change with time? Something inside of me says that might be playing with fire emotionally and physically, but I want to be "with" and I want to share more of me. Would I be able to date and somehow leave out the physical relationship which I naturally have had in the past? Or is even considering this option something I should run from?

I guess I am conflicted and unsure of the truth for my life. I have realized this over the year that has passed and I honestly don't know which way to turn. Some close friends that I have in life would tell me to live my life happily partnered while others would urge caution, and even a few would say hell no!

But they are not me.

I am me.

I live with the decisions I make and need to find peace in some sort of way. Discerning between my needs and wants is not easy. I want sex...but don't need it. I crave intimacy and bonding, but not sure where that falls on the spectrum. Is it possible to live a God fearing and respecting life with a boyfriend that I don't sleep with? What kind of relationship would that be? I have never held back a part of myself that is natural, open, kind and loving...but somehow I have to resolve this with the teachings I read and learn in the Bible. I cannot afford to pick and choose what I want, discarding the things which are not convenient. I can't really buy into some of the liberal theology that I see out there and this is a personal conviction.

I can't unbelieve what is in my heart, mind, soul and body as truth. But it would help! Is it OK to go on dates? If not, how do I say no, when everything in me is saying yes?! I am sure the conflicted signals I send do not help situations. Lately I seem to be radiating some kind of sexual energy and have noticed the response in guys and girls I have been around. What is this about?

My heart and skin are hungry. I miss being held. Another's touch brings much comfort. Is something wrong with me? Am I slipping away from God to another man? I really want the truth here, not some placebo or feel good answer. I need to know, yes or no, can I be in God's will and also in love with another guy, or is this just another idol in my life?

Does He want me to be single? If so...that seems rather harsh and cruel to have made me this way. I am rambling...I know.

Boyfriend...I can has?


  1. First off, the closing line is the greatest! lol

    Secondly, and more importantly, I somehow feel like asking you how much contact/relationships, if any, you have with straight Christian men. In no way am I speaking from a position of total victory but lately I feel compelled to being in more relationships with guys where I know I can both give and receive healthy, godly affection/attention/love from them and not have to worry about wanting to sleep with them or somehow taking it too far. It's definitely the next phase I'm planning to work on in my whole SSA journey. I don't have much else to go on other than a conviction that those sort of relationships might begin to fill in some of God-given desires for community and relationship. We are, after all, created in the image of a relational God (the Father, the Spirit and the Son).

  2. Wow, you ask some really good questions. I've seen various opinions and convictions from a lot of different people on these questions, but I will share my thoughts and convictions.

    With respect to having a boyfriend and just not having sex, College Jay tried that. You can read a lot from the archives on his blog about how that went for him. In short, he now believes that was unwise, and I would concur. It's not that it's a priori immoral, but in doing that you are exposing yourself to a lot of unnecessary temptation. So I don't think that dating is a good idea, regardless of whether there is an inherent moral problem or not.

    I think Clay actually hit the nail on the head with his suggestion, which was pretty much exactly what worked for me. I found that letting myself get close with straight guys was very helpful. It doesn't have the same risk of turning sexual that getting close to another guy with SSA would, and I found it to be very fulfilling. (I have never dated a guy, so I can't compare the experiences.) It's important to have a few close straight friends you can bond with who share some of your interests, and who are willing to listen when it comes to your areas of struggle such as (but not limited to) SSA ones.

    A danger I would warn you to try to avoid is expecting any one guy to meet all your relational needs. I expect many straight guys will be willing to get to know you and invest in you, but not to spend anywhere near the amount of time and effort a boyfriend would. I don't think this is necessarily a bad thing. It's good and OK to be close with, to bond with, several guys in nonsexual ways. I think that's also healthier, in that when guys move on with life and at times move away or otherwise can't spend much time with you, it doesn't leave you high and dry.

    And with respect to physical touch, there are many kinds of physical touch with guys that can be good and healing. For example, your straight friends can hug you, put a hand on your shoulder and pray for you, or do anything else with you they'd be comfortable doing with a straight friend. I wonder if part of the illicit desire for sexual touch may not be this perfectly legitimate desire manifesting itself.

    BTW, are either of you (Daemon or Clay) part of the Facebook group that Jeff S. helps facilitate? If not, you can e-mail him (GMail address starting with carleton1958) and join. I think it's a great place to be having these discussions.

  3. In life their will be fork in the road that we must pass. Friends and family will come and go and you will be left to face your own fears, and step into the future alone. Learn to love yourself for who you are. Feel comfort in your skin is like a recipe. you have to mix it until you make it smell good, taste good and look appealing. God will always be there to ensure you hope, love and passion that most people around you often forget. In time of loneliness it is a time to get in touch with the inter part of your soul. waste not and enrich your inter beauty.

  4. Wanting....



    The heart now engaged doesn't know how to stop.

    What a minute ago seemed to be "going to far" suddenly seems justifiable as the mind rationalizes going one step further.

    It is over...

    The shame begins...

    The regret remains...

    The heart begins again...




    How do we stop this time?

    "Watch over your heart with all diligence,
    For from it flow the springs of life...
    Let your eyes look directly ahead
    And let your gaze be fixed straight in front of you.
    Watch the path of your feet
    And all your ways will be established.
    Do not turn to the right nor to the left;
    Turn your foot from evil." (Proverbs 4:23-27)

    In our brokenness we have a tendency to want to fix ourselves with that which cannot truly satisfy and use relationships as emotional saviors.

    I wrote about this some time back when someone asked me about "Exclusive Spiritual Boy Friends"

    I'll be praying for you.