Saturday, November 21, 2009
What to do?
So now that I realize that my "beliefs" are quite shaky...meaning not shored up in my head and heart as they should be...how will this effect the decisions I am making now? In short, while I know that God is a integral part of my life and is with me each step of this journey, how do I live a full life?
Friends I have, confidants I have, family is always there. I am plugged into a great community of believers and am involved in different ministries that I feel led to be a part of...but something is missing.
A part of me is lonely, and I have been meeting some guys that are more than willing to be a part of my life. But how does a gay Christian guy go about dating? Do I set boundaries in a relationship that the other person may not agree to, or think that someday may change with time? Something inside of me says that might be playing with fire emotionally and physically, but I want to be "with" and I want to share more of me. Would I be able to date and somehow leave out the physical relationship which I naturally have had in the past? Or is even considering this option something I should run from?
I guess I am conflicted and unsure of the truth for my life. I have realized this over the year that has passed and I honestly don't know which way to turn. Some close friends that I have in life would tell me to live my life happily partnered while others would urge caution, and even a few would say hell no!
But they are not me.
I am me.
I live with the decisions I make and need to find peace in some sort of way. Discerning between my needs and wants is not easy. I want sex...but don't need it. I crave intimacy and bonding, but not sure where that falls on the spectrum. Is it possible to live a God fearing and respecting life with a boyfriend that I don't sleep with? What kind of relationship would that be? I have never held back a part of myself that is natural, open, kind and loving...but somehow I have to resolve this with the teachings I read and learn in the Bible. I cannot afford to pick and choose what I want, discarding the things which are not convenient. I can't really buy into some of the liberal theology that I see out there and this is a personal conviction.
I can't unbelieve what is in my heart, mind, soul and body as truth. But it would help! Is it OK to go on dates? If not, how do I say no, when everything in me is saying yes?! I am sure the conflicted signals I send do not help situations. Lately I seem to be radiating some kind of sexual energy and have noticed the response in guys and girls I have been around. What is this about?
My heart and skin are hungry. I miss being held. Another's touch brings much comfort. Is something wrong with me? Am I slipping away from God to another man? I really want the truth here, not some placebo or feel good answer. I need to know, yes or no, can I be in God's will and also in love with another guy, or is this just another idol in my life?
Does He want me to be single? If so...that seems rather harsh and cruel to have made me this way. I am rambling...I know.
Boyfriend...I can has?