Sunday, November 1, 2009
Learned alot about myself last night and today. I have realized that most of the situations I find myself in, that lend themselves to sin and bad decisions, are a direct result of my prior actions. It seems if I try to see how close to the line I can walk without falling? This perspective and way of living has to change. It is not enough to be strong in the face of temptation, but also to be wise and discerning about the places I find myself and the people I welcome close into my life.
In the back of my mind sometimes I am plotting or scheming to try and get away with something, and the only person I am cheating is myself. This kind of action hurts me and God. I need to flee from sin and resist the Devil, not cozy up with sin and ask the Devil in for a sleepover.
I want so badly to live a righteous life but seem to keep sabotaging my efforts. Am I scared of success? Do I really want to live for Jesus, or am I fooling myself? The things that I love are not the best. I guess I need a heart change, but am not sure about how to go about that. When I examine what I do, versus what I say, the two don't seem to match up.
Why this struggle? It seems to be much harder lately than it has been in the past. As I try to press closer, the distractions and problems seem to come at me harder and faster. I spent today by myself, just reflecting on it all. I don't have any answers yet, but am not going to stop seeking. I don't want to live some elses convictions. It must be real for me, day in and day out.
I have never done anything half-assed in my life, but this Christian walk has me stumped. Is it merely the struggle between my flesh and mind, or something far deeper? Somehow it needs to be sorted out, before I end up hurting myself or someone else. I can't have it both ways. Either I will follow God, or I am fooling myself.